Christy Fantz pens the column “Fantz in Your Pants” for the Colorado Daily every Tuesday. Her witty snaps and dirty talk will make you yell, “sweet fancy Moses!” and other outdated exclamations. She’s also the editor of this here newspaper.
Get to know your pal, Christy.
Describe what one day in your life looks like.
Today on my way to my car I put the trash in my trunk and my laptop in the Dumpster. This was after I cleaned a fresh steaming pile of Great Pyrenees shit off my boot.
My relaxing trek to Boulder from Denver (I really do enjoy the non-rush hour ride, it’s so Bob Ross) takes me to the newsroom where I put together this fine paper. Then I go home and dance-party rage with my spawn and husband, pound some vino in a plastic cup over “Family Feud” and the like, hit the Spoon Sac and make the sweet, sweet magic happen (teeth grinding). Then I wake up and do it all over again.
I’m a good time.
What or who is your favorite furry animal? Fake or real.
All fuzzy animals. Well, minus cats (allergic), and various mascots we Florida Gators hate, and all horned creatures (antler phobia), and mice.
So I guess it’s Abby and Clyde, our Great Pyrenees mix and Saint Bernard mix.
What would you do for a Klondike bar?
Not much. My teeth are too sensitive for biting ice cream. But I’d run through a field of Abby’s poop for a peanut butter cup.
Would you rather lick a hospital’s doorknobs or slurp a booze shot off of a bar floor?
We all know the answer. Free booze.
If you could have one super power, what would it be?
Rich? Then I could sleep til noon, have Alfred bring me coffee, doughnuts a Bloody Mary. Then I’d decide which wing of the mansion I would play in that day.
What or who inspired you to become a writer?
My pop was a sports writer and my Godfather was an editor — both for a Los Angeles-area rag. My pop would always return my essays marked up in red ink, and now that’s my beloved sport.
What’s your favorite smell?
Coco Chanel. Eau de parfum, not the French designer. I’ve never smelled her, though I’m sure she smells delicious.
What are your thoughts on hashtags?
The Artist Formerly Known as Pound.
What’s the most important thing in your life right now?
My little family in my little house on my little plot of Denver land: Husband, little lady Juliette, Abby and Clyde.