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Dear Christy,

I was Facebook stalking my ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend and I accidentally “liked” one of her photos! I unliked it right away, but do you think the odds are that she saw?? She knows I’m his ex and now I’m mortified.


SMH omg IHA:

Hang on, let me get Zuckerberg on the horn.

Fantz: Mark. Did FML’s ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend see that FML “liked” some shit on new girlfriend’s page and then tell ex-boyfriend?

*sound of a vintage cash register eating a hamburger*

Fantz: OK, see you at dinner. LYLAS.

He told me to call back later.

This is a centuries-old problem, sugar pants. You can either crawl into your ashame hole or you can take the water buffalo by the horns and start to cover your tracks. Begin by liking random pages like “Benjyo Soujer,” “Badly Stuffed Animals,” “Give the Brothel a Hug,” “Pooping in Clean Pajamas” and such. Next, post publicly that your dog borrowed your phone, thus you relinquish all responsibility for whatever happened.

Now go use your wasted stalk time to tailgate someone you want to plow. The ex has moved on.


I am done with winter. My boyfriend is in heaven though because he’s a polar bear and is very active outside. He is always at me for being lazy, but my energy thrives in the summer, I can’t stand being cold. Any idea for two opposites?

—Summer Gal

Grassy ass:

There are two* types of people in Colorado: They who hump mountains and ye who don’t. And just because you don’t enjoy snorting fresh powder and huffing cold air, you’re not lazy.

Seek some indoor adventures that strike both of your fancies until it’s time to make grass angels. Stream Warren Miller’s film, No. 7 million (I think that’s what it’s called), and your dude can yank it to snowporn while you clambake the living room in your Hawaiian granny panties. Or: check out an art museum, do bar trivia, go bowling, take nae nae lessons, indoor climb, ride a mechanical bull, play drinking games, go hot tubbing, throw goose shit at the elderly, etc.

Today is Groundhog Day. In the wee hours, we’ll find out what that buck-toothed rodent Punxatawny Phil has predicted for our future. Will it be six more weeks of winter? Or an early spring?

Spoiler alert: It’s going to shit snow for months. It’s February.

Now get back to the couch, lazy ass. (Call me. I like your style.)

*Since the whole world has moved to Colorado, we now have more than two types, but I can’t count that high. Go get your own legal weed, (insert state here), you’re clogging my pipe.

Read more Fantz: Stalk her:

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