After blacking out on Fat Tuesday and breathing leftover Fireball* in the priest’s face on Ash Wednesday (kids these days), Time magazine told me that you Coloradans have largely given up sex for Lent.

Lent is a solemn observance by many Christians, where laypeople sacrifice an evil (for lack of better terminology) all the days (40) Jesus was fasting in the desert before his brutal crucifixion, according to your homies Matthew, Mark and Luke. (There’s your “history” lesson millennials. Pew Research Center has cited that more than half of millennials don’t practice religion and only 50 percent believe in God.)

But back to sex.

According to Google search data provided to Time, Floridians are giving up meat, New Yorkers are giving up alcohol, Idahoans giving up Netflix, those in Kansas are giving up makeup, Oklahomans are giving up fear (the Marky Mark/Reese Witherspoon movie?), Nebraskans are giving up carbs, Oregonians are giving up Facebook and those down yonder in Kentucky are giving up fried food.

Then there’s us here in this fair state who are giving up sex.


Growing up Catholic, I learned that sex was for the sole purpose of procreation. After years of shock therapy, a lobotomy, selling my body for cash and a Fantz in Your Pants exodus (as far and fast as I could) from the church, I’ve finally learned to embrace the act as a physical form of love — not a task. (I didn’t really sell my body for cash, fools.)

Aside from blasting morphine-like endorphins, deflating stress, toning the bod and being all-around awesome, sex would be a rough one to give up for 40 days.

But, whether you’re on the Dark Side of the Millennials or a devout Christian, anyone can use Lent as a time to put bad habits in timeout. There’s no harm in giving up chocolate, porn, alcohol or social media for 40 days. And top cheers go to Virginia, as Google data cited residents are giving up self-criticism for Lent.

Although I won’t be RSVPing to Colorado’s Lent party, good luck in all your endeavors. Any practice in self control is healthy. I also won’t be RSVPing to Virginia’s Lent party, due to crushing guilt that will ride my shoulders until the day I die. (Then find me again when I slide right past Purgatory.) What I will be doing for Lent is continue to be the kind, loving, happy, smiley, pleasant, judge-free, gassy self I am. And if you have a problem with it, that’s OK, I’ a total pushover.

PSA: Just because I had a oppressing religious experience doesn’t mean I’m judging any love for all the gods and how they’re worshiped, just like you don’t judge me for supporting equal rights. Or drinking box wine.


*Drink real whiskey, pals.

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