• Fritz

  • Andy Cross / The Denver Post

    Water Closet Downs — a slippery gantlet that can make or break shower derby champions.



Chuck the Bathroom Spider: Well, here we are folks. The sun is presumably shining outside, it’s 7:53 in the morning, conditions are good here at Water Closet Downs where Fritz will make her 14,000th appearance at the Shower Derby, hoping to beat yesterday’s time of 12 minutes. Think she can be out the door for work on time, Wilson?

Wilson the Gnat: Actually, Chuck, I think this might be Fritz’s 10,000th appearance. Sources under the sink contend she doesn’t shower every day.

Chuck: Given what we’ve seen here in previous months, she could use the practice. I see she’s entered the stable here and has turned on the water.

Wilson: Hopefully she proves all her critics wrong today, Chuck. Showing up early to work might garner some much-needed positive attention from management.

Chuck: Agreed, Wilson, but today may not be her day. The towel she just flipped over the curtain is sagging too far into the shower.

Wilson: That towel’s gonna get wet, and I hate to say it, but that’s the same towel we saw her use yesterday on the bathroom floor. That’s not gonna be good for drying off or retaining fresh shower smells.

Chuck: Still, I’ve never seen a person dry off so fast with so little. Remember what she did last week with that washcloth?

Wilson: Right. Oh! Here we go. She seems to think the water is the correct temperature now, and WE’RE OFF! Wow, this is an exciting moment — see how she just gets down to business getting her hair wet while simultaneously reaching the shampoo? This is a strong start for sure, Chuck.

Chuck: Yes, it is, Wilson. She’s strong off the line, she’s already rinsing the shampoo out and reaching for the conditioner. She’s gonna leave that conditioner there to soak in the entire length of the shower, a true mark of a pro. And now we’re heading into the face wash — OH BEAUTIFUL — she just whipped through that so fast. Is today the day, Wilson?

Wilson: I’d love to say it is, Chuck. I’d love to say it is. She’s done a fine job brushing her teeth; let’s see how the flossing goes.

Chuck: I do like that she switched to those flossers on a stick, but she does tend to get confused about which teeth she’s already done when she’s getting ahead of herself. She’s already eyeballing that loofah. OH! NICE! She’s put the flosser away and is reaching for the body wash. This is looking good, but it’s the next bit she really struggles with.

Wilson: She hasn’t bought enough time to cover a major injury on the field today, and that razor is not new.

Chuck: She hasn’t changed that razor in what? Eight? Ten days? It’s prep outside of the races that makes winners. Fritz isn’t great with prep. Last week, she paused mid-shower to walk to the back of the house for more soap. That’s not bad luck, Wilson; that’s poor planning.

Wilson: Chuck, are you seeing this? She’s actually slowing down in the curve, trying to avoid another ankle injury.

Chuck: That’s the first innovative thing we’ve seen out of Fritz in weeks, Wilson. Slowing down in the curve means eliminating post-shower Band-Aids. Wait, is she speeding up?

Wilson: She is, Chuck. She’s whipping the razor up and down her shins like someone who’s never shaved before. This is truly frustrating.

Chuck: Oh no. There’s blood everywhere, folks. She’s finishing up, rinsing the conditioner out, but there’s no way that injury will be stanched in time. She’s gonna be rolling into work late with a bloody leg, no question.

Wilson: It doesn’t matter how many times I see it, I still cringe like it’s the first time when she rips a 2-inch hole in her shin.

Chuck: She’s not only ripped a hole in her shin, Wilson. She’s ripped a hole in the hopes and dreams of everyone here today. Until tomorrow, this is Chuck and Wilson from Water Closet Downs. We turn to Freida the Fly in the dressing room …

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