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Jeanine Fritz and Wally cast their irresistible "come hither" look from the bar.
Courtesy photo
Jeanine Fritz and Wally cast their irresistible “come hither” look from the bar.

Jeanine Fritz has been there, done that and wrote all about it. Her column “I’m Not There” appears every Monday in the Colorado Daily. A glimpse through her looking glass will make you snort, ugly cry and nod vigorously in agreement. She has survived tornadoes, wielded eldritch magics and mastered the multicultural hangover cure.

Feast your peeps on her wisdom:

Philosophers hate her! What’s your one weird trick to keep the existential crisis at bay?

BBC detective shows. Something about silly murders (say, a railroad spike from Lord Atherbury’s grandfather’s collection) executed by silly murderers (Jan Beecroft was going to win Best Orchid this year; she had to die!) and nabbed by the calm, reasonable bobbies (“We’ve run you to the end of this library aisle, Mrs. Harris. Now turn around and we’ll escort you to the station.”) makes the inside of my head chill out.

Give me a haiku inspired by something that pisses you off.

Oh summer dog doos,

You stick to the patio.

Where is the hose, please?

A time traveler from 100 years hence offers you your choice of the fruits of transhumanism: chlorophyll skin, webbed toes, carbon fiber bones, you name it. What genetic/surgical modification do you make to your body?

I’m going to pretend mind control is an option you offered up. Mind control is now one of the choices. You’re starting to feel sleepy. And oddly loose with the columnist budget. I now make $3,000 per column.

If you were 6 inches tall, what animal would be your mighty steed?

My 80-pound dog, Wally. He looks a lot like Falkor from “The Neverending Story.”

If I rifled through your fridge, what’s the most scandalous item I am likely to find?

What constitutes “scandalous” here? Foods that aren’t normally in fridges (leftover icing), foods that are shunned by a great many people (beets and Brussels sprouts), or foods that aren’t foods (batteries)?

What is your preferred method of disposing of the body?

Oh, for sure, it’s flushing.

Drawing on the unholy forces of Shub-Niggurath, you gain the power to resurrect someone from the grave, but only long enough for that person to create a genre-bending album/video event, a la Beyonce’s “Lemonade.” Who do you raise from the dead, and what’s their hit single?

Hrrrmmmm, I guess I’d shoot for Beethoven — the composer, not the dog. He was schooled in music from an early age, but then eventually became totally deaf, right, but that didn’t stop him from composing things because he remembered what everything sounded like. So I’d like to see what he does when he’s trying to compose music he’s never heard before. His hit single would be called “Oops, I Did It Again.”

What college-level course are you qualified to teach?

BBC Detective Shows of the Mid-to-Late 1990s.

Aside from stress relief and lowering blood pressure with the power of purrs, what little-known medical benefit do cats provide?

Every cat I’ve had likes to bring half-dead animals into the house that spring to life as I get close, so I’m gonna go with high-intensity interval training with a focus on cardio.

Read more Fritz: Stalk her: