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This fine-ass beer wench is Liz Marsh.
Courtesy photo
This fine-ass beer wench is Liz Marsh.

Exercise and parties: These are the foundations of a healthy body and soul, and Liz Marsh can balance them with the best. This merry athlete will clue you in to the yin and yang of running yourself ragged and then celebrating with victory beers. If you’re looking for a good time, look her up every other Tuesday in the Colorado Daily.

Here’s a glimpse into the mind of Marsh:

Philosophers hate her! What’s your one weird trick to keep the existential crisis at bay?

Booze. I come from an Irish Catholic family, and we have a tendency to die young and in pairs. We also have a tendency to get sauced and stare straight into the void. True story: My grandmother died on the day of my uncle’s funeral. The Archdiocese was quite busy that day picking up the departed, because they couldn’t tend to us for hours. My cousins and I took shifts waiting at my grandmother’s house with her body and helping to set up my uncle’s now-delayed funeral. We had a lot of feelings that night. Feelings and whiskey.

What fictional drug are you most curious to try?

What’s a fictional drug? What does that even mean? Now I’m questioning all the drugs I’ve never tried. Are bath salts real? I don’t want to try them because from what I understand they make people eat other people’s faces off. One time behind a port-o-let at a concert, a woman yelled, “Tamales for sale!” She then clarified by yelling, “Tamales! Not Molly!” I know Molly is real. And tamales. All in all, I’d really just rather have tamales.

Give me a haiku inspired by something that pisses you off.

Hillary’s ready

Fucking seriously, dudes

Cut the shit and vote

A time traveler from 100 years hence offers you your choice of the fruits of transhumanism: chlorophyll skin, webbed toes, carbon fiber bones, you name it. What genetic/surgical modification do you make to your body?

Loyal readers of this column (my mom) know that I did a triathlon last weekend and it wasn’t pretty. I’m gonna go with webbed toes for $1,000, Alex, so maybe next time I won’t feel like I’m going to meet my maker in Boulder Reservoir.

If you were 6 inches tall, what animal would be your mighty steed?

I think I would use my niece, Sweet Virginia, to conquer the micro-world. She would be tough to train — she’s kind of a wild stallion. But if I could promise her riches beyond her wildest dreams (read: cookies), I’m fairly certain I could get her to do my bidding. If Sweet Virginia could get the dog to let her ride, we would be an unstoppable team.

If I rifled through your fridge, what’s the most scandalous item I am likely to find?

Nothing. You would find nothing because I don’t keep things in my fridge. I mean sure it’s great storage for hot sauce and wilted lettuce. But I prefer to cook by the seat of my pants. You’d be amazed at the meal you can make with peppermint candies, batteries and baking soda. Chefs, open your mystery baskets!

What is your preferred method of disposing of the body?

I think I’d roll Norman Bates style. Hide it in plain sight. Yes, I am talking taxidermy. Yes, I do live alone. WHY AM I SINGLE?!

Drawing on the unholy forces of Shub-Niggurath, you gain the power to resurrect someone from the grave, but only long enough for that person to create a genre-bending album/video event, a la Beyonce’s “Lemonade.” Who do you raise from the dead, and what’s their hit single?

Dorothy Parker. Her single would be titled “Whiskey — I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.”

What college-level course are you qualified to teach?

I believe I could get hired to teach a semester of Writing 102, How To Land Your Dream Job as a Writer! It has a co-requisite class: Business 102, How To Survive On $25 a Week

What is the best flavor of Jell-O shot (besides snozzberry, of course)?

God created all Jell-O shots equally.

What euphemism makes you grin like a demented middle schooler?

I used to work at a construction company, and the majority of the things they talked about made me grin like a demented middle schooler. Keep in mind, they are not euphemisms, or at least, they’re not intended to be. I give you, in no particular order: pipe nipples, bituthene (pronounced bitch-i-thane), deep cracks.

Aside from stress relief and lowering blood pressure with the power of purrs, what little-known medical benefit do cats provide?

If by cats you mean dogs? Then yes, they provide a great deal of benefit. I believe I have a superhuman immune system due to constantly reaching my arm down my dog’s throat to fish out mystery items that she shouldn’t be chewing on and which will probably kill her. She is also helping me develop my reflexes. Today a mouse ran across my patio, and did the puppy chase it/flinch/notice? No! She really allowed me to just hone my fight-or-flight response all on my own. I chose flight, for the record. It’s good to know that when the going gets tough, Liz screams like a little girl and runs full speed towards the street.

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