Courtesy photo
Elijah Jarocki eats, drinks, breathes and flosses with music.

Elijah Jarocki is the music director at CU Boulder’s Radio 1190.

Philosophers hate him! What’s your one weird trick to keep the existential crisis at bay?

Whenever I feel the looming dread of a meaningless future, I steep a cup of Irish Breakfast, toss a little milk in, and sink into the welcoming fabric of a broken armchair. As I finish my tea and slowly recover from a bout of existential anxiety, I pull myself out of the chair’s springless foundation and get back on my feet. It’s always harder than I think, but the sheer amount of physical exertion always brings me a little hope. If you can get out of the armchair’s quicksand pull, you can surely muster up enough energy to convince yourself that life has some sort of perverse meaning.

What fictional drug are you most curious to try?

I would love to try a dash of Moloko Plus from A Clockwork Orange. It would “sharpen you up and make you ready for a bit of the old ultraviolence.” Don’t get me wrong, I’m not interested in the ultraviolence! Rather, I’d have to drink the milk solely for the experience. The Korova Milk Bar is by far the coolest spot in town; it’s the best haunt for sophistos from the TV studio, strange opera singers and murderous teenagers. Not to mention I’d look damn good in an all-white getup worn by the bar’s patrons.

Give me a haiku inspired by something that pisses you off.

I can’t stand it when

I meet a girl who seems cool

But she likes dubstep

If you were 6 inches tall, what animal would be your mighty steed?

This is a tough one; 6 inches is taller than you think! If I were 3 inches tall, I would of course tame and fly an iridescent dragonfly named Gwenn. Imagine it: glistening body, soaring splendor, we fearlessly dart through a maze of water lilies, pond fauna and fishing lines. However, I think at my extreme height of 6 inches, I would crush Gwenn like a plump 14-year-old riding the family dog. No, for my 6-inch body, I would instead mount a deadly rattlesnake. The harness would be hard to figure out, but the ride would be unmatched. With my trusty reptilian steed, I would establish a powerful rule over all the grassland creatures and vanquish all of my 6-inch adversaries.

What is your preferred method of disposing of the body?

You can’t prove anything, but if I were to have killed someone, I would have definitely driven them to Denny’s and propped them up in a nice corner booth. Most of Denny’s patrons have already experienced a death of sorts, so another body fits in perfectly. Not to mention, if you get a hankerin’ for some diner food while dropping the poor sap off, Denny’s serves unlimited coffee and, of course, the Grand Slamwich.

Drawing on the unholy forces of Shub-Niggurath, you gain the power to resurrect someone from the grave, but only long enough for that person to create a genre-bending album/video event, a la Beyonce’s “Lemonade.” Who do you raise from the dead, and what’s their hit single?

I would resurrect Paul McCartney from his earthly tomb. Ever since his untimely death in 1966 and look-alike replacement, shame has been brought upon the McCartney name. I mean, Wings, are you kidding me? That’s not the lovable lad from Liverpool but an imposter. With Paul’s help, we could create an incredible multimedia art piece that would expose the truth about his death while maintaining the artistic integrity of “Please Please Me”-era Beatles. The hit single would be called “Hey, it’s me again, Paul, Paul from The Beatles, turns out I was totally dead the whole time, Sgt. Pepper is a bad album, anyway here’s Love Me Do pt. 2”

Aside from stress relief and lowering blood pressure with the power of purrs, what little-known medical benefit do cats provide?


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