Darko Vojinovic / Associated Press
I only have a minute to write this. The drones come out at night.
Well, it’s 2020, and things are not going so great in the United States of America. The Democrats failed to take back the House or the Senate in 2018 because the Republicans told them that if they did, it meant they weren’t patriotic and didn’t love America. They all dropped out of their respective races. Democrats always fall for that one.
I’m cowering inside the burnt-out husk of a Chipotle, most of which were torched by seriously misguided racists celebrating President Trump’s inauguration. Taco Bells also fared poorly. I’m penning this column on petrified, whole-grain tortillas and napkins. I’ve got to be careful. Aside from the drones, roving death squads patrol the streets at night in search of people they refer to as “readers.”
A healthy cross section of Trump’s supporters, angered that he didn’t “Make America Great Again,” rose up in arms, happy they were at last afforded the opportunity to use those assault rifles purchased en masse to protect themselves from the “tyrannical government.” Unfortunately, they soon found out that their AR-15s were no match for MQ-1 Predator drones armed with laser-guided Hellfire missiles. There is a petition currently being circulated to add drones to the Second Amendment.
Television is worse than ever. Reality shows like “America’s Next Grand Wizard” and “Who Doesn’t Want to Get Deported” are currently in their third seasons and vying for the top Friday night slot. The No. 1 book is … just kidding, literacy plummeted to 10 percent after Dr. Ben Carson took the reins at the Department of Education. Books are now eaten, because there is no more meat.
Mexico nationalized all of the American corporations with factories in the country, and their economy is now doing well. Once a week, the citizens of Mexico hold a large barbecue, only because the scent of smoked meat wafting across the border makes Texas jealous. The drug trade that plagued that nation dried up because Americans can no longer afford narcotics. Clandestine methamphetamine laboratories have made a comeback, however, and airplane glue is now a hot item at most grocery stores.
As far as abortion, gay marriage, equal rights and all that? Let’s just say that it’s the “Good Old Days” once again. As long as you aren’t black, gay, Mexican, any religion other than Christian or, god forbid, a woman.
But all hope is not lost. The Democrats found their own brash, jerky celebrity to run. His name is Alec Baldwin. In order to confuse Trump supporters, Mr. Baldwin is running as his Saturday Night Live Trump persona. Because literacy rates are so low now, ballots have pictures of the candidates, not unlike the menus at a Waffle House.
And if you’re curious how a column being written in 2020 is appearing in a newspaper in 2016, just pretend you are watching “Midnight in Paris” and let art flow over you.