I can’t find it in my heart to wear skinny jeans, mainly because the leg opening won’t accommodate my gigantic skate shoes. Do I have a complex, or am I just not gay enough for tight pants? Think they’ll be around for a while?
— Your brother in Hawaii
Fret not. Your husband thinks your ass looks hot in all jeans.
But I do have some insider information (see: hearsay) that will simultaneously assist/petrify that sweet soul: A barfly told me that JNCO jeans are looping back into modern trends.
Layfolk: In the late-’80s and ’90s, JNCOs were California street jeans that were crafted by sewing together two baseball field tarps into gaping-wide leg holes — legs that were vast enough to house Jared Fogle and his prison pimp inside one leg and your mom and a Saint Bernard inside the other. The back pockets were created so deep that half of Jared’s strap-ons (seven) could fit in the left pocket and 11 Subway footlongs in the right pocket. This may be unsubstantiated, but I think the jeans also doubled as family camping tents, commercial awnings and adult Slip ‘N Slides.
Ergo, the pants come complete with leg openings large enough to fit Godzilla’s skate shoes.
At first I didn’t believe my pal because those oversized ’90s jeans seemed a bit cartoonish. But like every decade, the ’90s was party to a slew of heinous trends (frosted tips, tribal tattoos and soul patches) — and no matter the cringe, fashion finds its way back to the fringe. (Christ, Christy.)
My pal was right, the trend is on the horizon, with its elephantine legs hogging the skyline. Women’s Wear Daily (which some call “the bible of fashion”) reported in 2015 that Chinese investors dumped some cash into the denim company to rebrand and reintroduce it.
“No!” you decry. Maybe the investors are tired of plum smuggling in circulation-deficient britches, so a plan was concocted to bring back Earth’s most roomy pants.
Regardless, my fashion forecast thinks that skinny jeans will stick around as trends transition (and will loop back again to squeeze nuts and butts in about 20 years). But if fashion bloggers are on point, wide-leg pants are walking back into style. (Holy shit, that JNCO just knocked over a Flatiron.)
So, the future looks bright if you yearn to squeeze those (size 14 or 15, if I remember correctly?) skate shoes into a suitable pant leg — or if you just don’t want to model a moose knuckle.
Or you could do as our forefathers did and put on your pants before you put on your shoes.
Am I the only one in Boulder who hates being outdoors? I’m new here and I feel like a blood-sucking night-crawler among bronze-skinned, top-notch fitness pros. Where do the normal people hang out?
— Night Man
You’re likely outnumbered (call me), as many flock to this glorious mecca of funshine in the sunshine. (Christ again, Christy.) But you’re not alone. And don’t be embarrassed — you’ll be shunned only if you try to compost Hamm’s cans, feed a Subaru processed cheese or smoke a cigarette.
I bet there are lactose-intolerant folk living in Wisconsin. And green bean farmers among Indiana’s corn rows. And equality-supporting people in a gay-fearing Bible Belt.
Since I’ve stereotyped two states and threw in a region for good measure, let’s talk about those assholes in California …
Make it work, man. So you landed your pasty ass in an active town. Don’t let that stop you from lurking in cavernous bars, sleuthing in dark alleys and RPGing into pre-sunrise. Find a friend who relishes your hobbies and buy matching friendship cock rings.
Now back to the basement. That melatonin isn’t going to suppress itself.