Helen H. Richardson / The Denver Post
I know, I know. Tax returns are dumb. If you get a tax return, it means you’re not doing it right. I already know I’m not doing it right, and I’m further muddying the tax system waters by purposefully setting myself up to get a return. I don’t care. I’m bad with money, and I appreciate my “forced savings account.” Personally, I don’t mind the federal government holding some of my money for me every year, although it seems a little more dubious now with the illiterate, yam-faced Nazi in charge of things.
One awful year, I actually ended up owing money. At the time, I was flat broke with a soon-to-be-unusable car and a mountain of debt. Ever since then, I have requested that they actually withhold extra money from my paychecks. And that translates into just a little extra pocket cash each April.
And each April, I have big plans for that money.
This year, I had earmarked my anticipated tax return for two specific things. I was going to pay off my credit card and throw the rest at my tuition. Simple, easy, I shouldn’t even have to think about it. Except — this bears repeating here — I AM BAD WITH MONEY.
What follows is a definitive list of what I have actually used my tax return for, thus far:
• Matching purses in two different colors. Yes, I needed both colors. It’s called fashion.
• More Wine. There was a sale. It’s not like it’s going to go to waste.
• Roundtrip airfare to Tulsa, Okla. Again, there was a sale. What am I going to do, not go to Oklahoma?
• 5 fancy bras.
• A new toothbrush for my 12-year-old dog and the extra-large poultry-flavored toothpaste. I can’t imagine God would take my dog when she still has toothpaste left to use. So, I’m pretty sure I just bought her another year on this Earth.
• A full-day “Alligator Experience.” Pretty much speaks for itself.
• A bee house and a new beekeeping suit for myself. I enjoy hobbies that come with a special outfit. Also, according to the internet, I’m basically saving the planet by keeping bees. So you’re welcome.
I still have a little bit to throw at my summer tuition. But I may just take the semester off to concentrate on my new bee project. Thanks, Obama.
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