I questioned my life as I sat by myself in a movie theater in Asia. I have regretted many things in my past, but this time it was because I decided to go to “Pacific Rim.” This theater was packed, and I was the only white guy there.
Scene after scene of stupidity happened in this movie. After a while, I barely paid attention. Then the Asian girl character came onscreen. I thought it was cool for the first second, then I felt like the whole theater would turn around and jackboot my white ass. It was if I’d just seen a black character run into view wearing sagging pants and saying, “Where da watermelon at?”
This movie’s female Asian stereotype was great at math, a ninja, sexually shy and spoke with a stereotypical accent that messes up Rs and Ls. All while wearing a school uniform.
I’m not Asian, but I lived in Asia for six years and was incredibly offended. My BFFs and a few of my ex-girlfriends are Asian. I’ve been the best man at just as many Asian weddings as American weddings.
All this might make me extra appalled that horrible Asian stereotypes are still popping up in our entertainment.
“Pacific Rim” isn’t the only awful example. There’s an Asian gal in the new King Kong movie who’s basically just there and doesn’t talk. The latest “Star Wars” has a blind ninja monk. Dev Patel showed us how talented he is in “Slumdog Millionaire,” and then he slums it in “Chappie” as a dorky computer engineer who plays fourth fiddle to a CGI robot, Hugh Jackman and (ugh) Die Antwoord. “Suicide Squad” gets a lot of well-deserved flack, but nobody talks about Katana, the silent ninja with the personality of, well, nothing. “X-Men: Apocalypse” has Olivia Munn as yet another silent ninja. For the fiftieth time or so, Lucy Liu is a ninja, this time in “Elementary.”
So Hollywood, how about this? Instead of having a Japanese guy owning a sushi bar or being a samurai, maybe you can make him a nurse or a writer. We’ve got a million sexy female Asian ninjas, so how about a middle-aged female bar owner or used-car saleslady? And once they reboot “Sex and the City,” they could throw an Asian gal in there.
Not a single one of my Asian exes were any shyer than my Western exes. And 97 percent of my friends weren’t interested in ninjas — except in movies.
Some people from Asia speak with an accent, but remember — you do, too. People in England, South Africa and Australia all think the way you talk is odd.
Do girls wear school uniforms? Yep, and so do boys. That’s pretty standard in many Asian countries. While you may think the white shirt and plaid skirt are sexy, they usually have only one or two sets because they’re expensive, so they get pretty stinky by the time laundry days comes up.
Remember that with your next Asian schoolgirl fantasy.