Everybody thinks I’m gay. I’m not. It’s making me bitter. Can a guy have feminine qualities without wanting to hand out free BJs? I like fashion and art. That doesn’t mean I want to take it up the butt.

— Pretty Boy

Blow it out your ass:

Because that’s what gay dudes do, hand out free BJs.

Start your transformation by kicking the dick out of you, princess. Rid thee of spiteful stereotypes (I’m drenching you with holy water).

Just because more X blew all over your Y, having feminine qualities doesn’t make a gay. Your genes can wear fashionable jeans. Loving art isn’t a supper call to sodomy.

Be comfortable with your sexuality. Own your effeminacy. Start a band, build a brand, stomp a supremacist. Things of that nature. I have man hands, and if someone points it out, I tell them they should see my dick.

If you have a hard time getting laid, use your qualities to your advantage on dating sites. Leave out your rage and homophobia, and pepper in things like “sensitive,” “soft,” “loves to spoon,” “clam cleaner extraordinaire.”

Any chance you’re oversensitive? With age and nut wrinkles will come apathy.

Instead of worrying about they who must label, spend your energy putting back together confidence. That’s what makes sexy.

Now for the rest of your days, you shall come out of your closet with the confidence of Jennifer Aniston’s uterus and the ego of Tyra Banks’ forehead.

Go get ’em, girl.

Dear Christy,

My boyfriend owes me $500 that he borrowed six months ago. He stopped bringing it up, but I haven’t forgot. How do I smoothly demand my money back?

— Poor Penny

Get the gold:

Say, “Dude, where’s my $500?”

If he reacts in any way other than, “Shit! I forgot,” or, “I’m struggling, can we work out a payment arrangement?” then run, run, as fast as you can. That’s a wad of cash. He’s the one who’s fired for not paying you back or even talking about it.

Assess the situation after you ask him nicely. Don’t lend him money again.

Then replace the “e” in “assess” with an “a” and we’ve got a double ass. Neat.


I got drunk, ate some gummies and passed out in my parents’ yard overnight. They both saw me in the morning and said they need to have a “serious talk” when they get home from work. I’m stuck here all summer and I’ll probably get grounded. I’m 22. When are they going to let go?

— Big Kid

You would:

Maybe after their jackass kid doesn’t siesta face-down in sod after a raging fiesta?

The 10 feet to get inside the residence was too grueling?

Props, though. That’s funny. But unless you’re paying room and board, you have to abide, man. It blows, but you’re under their roof, and you’re probably using their car. Act responsibly and they’ll treat you like an adult. Take a leak in their front yard while grandma is watching and they’ll treat you like a juvenile.

Make up a story that’s plausible. Tell them a friend gave you an edible and you didn’t know it had the mari-ju-uana in it. Prepare for an intervention/come to Jesus/you need rehab talk. Agree with them, apologize and tell them you’re fine.

Power through it. There’s weed and booze on the other side.

Next time, maybe crash at a friend’s house.

Parents never check out. And they’ll probably go through your shit next time you go out, so hide your anal beads.

Read more Fantz: Stalk her:

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