Fantz in Your Pants: The stoner burrito

Dear Christy,

My boyfriend is such a loaf. He smokes pot all day and buys the most stupid shit when I ask him to go to the store. Last night, I came home from work to find he bought three packs of flour tortillas (three!), sardines, gummy bears, mayonnaise and a huge thing of plastic army figures. WTF. Oh, and an eighth of Banana Kush. This is getting old.

— Up in Smoke


Thanks for clarifying “three” twice. Twice.

Maybe he’s like me and puts everything in a tortilla? (Remember that one time I put minestrone soup in a tortilla? It didn’t work, so I passed out on it.)

Sorry about your benchwarmer. That’s frustrating. As a full-time working momma, I’m lucky to have an errand boy in my husband. I rarely have to step foot in a store. It’s delicious. But if he were to come home with useless shit like your dude, then I’d sustain on toilet wine and gas station taquitos because errands blow.

Tell him to get his head out of his ass and start helping. Your partnership needs a hand, another hand and a basement lover. If the pattern doesn’t change, then you may need to swap him out with basement lover. Then you guys can dance on his bong ashes while he dry humps sardine tins and makes mayonnaise burritos downstairs.

If you’re looking to get rid of any of those tortillas, I’m having lo mein for dinner, so I can take some off your hands. (Like I don’t already have three packs.)

Dear Fantz Pants,

I’m dating a guy whose tip hasn’t been snipped. Why wouldn’t he clip it? Is it true bacteria is more of an issue? I don’t want to Google it. I’m on the family plan, and my parents look at my history.

— Give me some skin

Mad Hatter:

Homie. Incognito. Your lack of this knowledge pains me. The second problem is that your parents still monitor your history. How are you supposed to learn about new softcore porn releases on Netflix? (Mom and Dad also monitor Netflix history. You’re grounded.)

But back to what Google should have taught you. I’ll do it so IT Guy can probe the hard work I do all day. With an unclipped tip comes the inevitable smegma (a combo of shed skin cells, oils and moisture) that collects in the folds. But it’s no danger to your banger if the dude showers on the regular.

Plus, you’re using a condom, right? Double turtleneck that shaft.

Younger generations will have to get used to the cock sock. More parents are foregoing hacking the headpiece, calling it unnecessary and inhumane. Plus, the American Academy of Pediatrics says the health benefits of circumcision aren’t vast enough to recommend it. So it boils down to the parents, culture, religion, preference. Which means your future child will be more likely to plow while uncircumcised with this trending drop in the procedure. But you’ll already know about it because the kid’s search history is on your contact lens live feed. (Robots, man.)

It’s not a monster. It’s a monster with a shirt on. It’s something you’re not used to. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind answering your questions — just don’t be a dick about it. Past locker room talk probably already bruised his ego because teenagers and the President of the United States are relentless. And also one in the same.

Read more Fantz: Stalk her:

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