• (Courtesy Alexandra Sieh)

    Mind your business, you two-dimensional doofus. I ain't got shit to say to you.

  • Sieh

  • Courtesy Alexandra Sieh

    Mind your business, you two-dimensional doofus. I ain't got shit to say to you.



For two years, Alexandra has been traipsing around Asia, getting plenty of stares as she goes.

She spent her days in Boulder semi-drunkenly rambling about brewery specials, but now she regales us with stories from her new home in Beijing, and from other countries across the Pacific. Alexandra’s prepping for a third year abroad, still eager to keep us in the Asian know.

Let’s catch up with the world traveler.

The U.S. Treasury announces it will begin issuing 7-dollar bills. Whose face will be on it?

A particularly adorable penguin.

You have 24 hours to experience life as the opposite sex. What’s your first move?

I’m fascinated by the “accidental boner” cover-up. So I’d probably seek out a situation where that came up and attempt to hide the evidence. That, or I’d whip off my top and see what it’s like to be shirtless in public.

After a successful interview, the Gods of Small Annoyances have hired you as an entry-level deity. How will your worshipers praise your name?

They would walk at a mind-numbingly slow speed in front of others, blissfully unaware that those behind them need or want to pass. Their obliviousness would be a sign of their devotion.

Oh no! You’re missing a finger. How did that happen?

One of two options: One of my cheap-as-fuck rings turned my finger green, and so I had it removed. Or I tried to feed Manfriend a bite of my blueberry muffin and he got a little over-zealous.

That astronomer friend who owes you $100 has just discovered the large “Planet X” just beyond Pluto’s orbit. She offers you naming rights to get out of debt. What’s the name that’ll go in future textbooks?


You wake up to a string of epithets shouted in a familiar voice. Gordon Ramsay is pacing in your bedroom, and he won’t go away until you cook something worth his time. What dish can you make to appease him?

Overcooked vegetables served over undercooked Rice-a-Roni.

What new musical genre will take over the charts in 2018?

My favorite bands from the ’90s will make a comeback. In lieu of original hits, they cover Disney movie classics.

You have died and become a ghost. (My condolences.) What place or object do you haunt, and how do you express your otherworldly frustration?

I would circle around various Mexican food establishments. Whenever someone really wanted queso, the shop would mysteriously be out. Why should they get any when I don’t anymore?

Centuries from now, only five words remain legible on your grave. What are they?

Knowing my luck, “loving daughter, sister and wife,” “lifelong friend” or “world traveler” would fade before “clumsy as fuck,” “nerd” or “really tall.”

Read more Sieh: coloradodaily.com/columnists. Stalk her: instagram.com/wildeyed_wandering.

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