Andy Cross / The Denver Post
Step right up, friends. Step right up!
We’ve got keto, paleo, locovores and flexitarians, celiac, anaphylactic shock and vegetarians.
This mysterious burg is teeming with an infinite brood of food restrictions. And a sideshow like Boulder aims to cater to each of them. That’s right: We have gastronomic oddities you’ve never dreamed of.
Gasp in shock at the farm-to-table porcini and lovage!
Ogle in disbelief at the meatless, pea-protein burger imbued with cruelty-free “blood”!
Shriek with terror at $25 cocktails suffused with house-made cilantro bitters!
Step right up!
This spread is not for the faint of heart, no sir, no ma’am. The deepest annals of occult scripture never foresaw the lengths mere mortals would go for organic, vegan jackfruit tacos, served steaming and aromatic out of a nomadic food truck. Pay no attention to that line cook behind the curtain. (But tip these wizards their due, lest the evil eye be cast upon you. It’s hotter than the scorching pits of Gehenna in there.)
This is adventure on a plate, thrills in a bowl, shivers in a glass. Served in zero-waste dinnerware. Even the doggy bag is compostable!
And our sultry attractions hail from all corners of the world. Behind these doors, you’ll find rare and redolent dishes that journeyed here across mountains and deserts: lacy injera from Ethiopia, spicy curries from the Himalayas, fair-trade coffees from Bolivia and savory poutine from the distant reaches of exotic Canada.
Witness, if you dare, the bewildering variety of grass-fed creatures, freshly flayed and marbled in mystical swirls as they sway hypnotically from their meat hooks. The swarming denizens of the ocean depths are likewise ready to tickle your tastebuds. Your eyes will no doubt be bigger than your stomach as they bulge at the astounding quantity of squirming, dancing delicacies of the sea. Do you have the backbone to swallow that invertebrate sashimi? Are you courageous enough to conquer a mound of fried tentacles? Grab your shucking knife and your nerve, and face your slimiest oyster fears.
If your courage remains intact after the main course, there are yet more wonders to astonish and amaze. Peer beyond the Pearl Street plate glass to be dazzled by rows of multicolored chocolate truffles that shine like jewels. Walk this way to discover a purveyor of bundt cakes … and nothing else! Visit a miraculous website where you can order cookies for delivery … at 2 a.m.!
It’s the tastiest show on earth, ladies and gents. Four years and a princely fortune are not enough to probe every secret menu, sample every shot and leave every tureen uncovered under this big top.
It’s a daring trapeze ride for the curious carnivore and gluten-free glutton. A once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, a feat of super-sized proportions. You cannot miss this chance to experience the sweetest pies and spiciest roes.
Dine among crystal-clad gypsies, tattooed ladies and strong men! Incubate your own freakish food baby!
Gooble gobble, gooble gobble! One of us!