Courtesy Casey Freeman
Casey is a CU grad and Boulder resident off and on since 2003. He has traveled all over Asia, and now he selflessly shares his worldly wisdom with you every Monday in the Colorado Daily.
Let’s take a first-class flight into his gray matter.
You have 24 hours to experience life as the opposite sex. What’s your first move?
I’m assuming I’ll be as attractive as a woman as I am as a man, so I’m going to Pearl Street and for all the free drinks and attention I can handle.
The U.S. Treasury announces it will begin issuing 7-dollar bills. Whose face will be on it?
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Duh.
You have died and become a ghost. (My condolences.) What place or object do you haunt, and how do you express your otherworldly frustration?
“Oooo-oOo-oooh! The CU Armory is miiiiiiiine! I graduated with a journalism degree from CU. Moan & groooan! While I may be dead, my major doesn’t deserve to be. Booo! I didn’t memorize First Amendment case studies just to have my entire major erased. Shuttering the doors of the J-School only makes today’s media crappier. I will write the regents’ names in buffalo blood until it’s reinstated. Obey or you’re doooomed!
Oh no! You’re missing a finger. How did that happen?
Well, being a writer isn’t a very profitable job. I just got hungry. Here’s a life tip, kids: You don’t see people studying business or engineering eating their own digits.
That astronomer friend who owes you $100 has discovered the large “Planet X” just beyond Pluto’s orbit. She offers you naming rights to get out of debt. What’s the name that’ll go in future textbooks?
Our “new” ninth planet will be called Especially Not Pluto. So now, whenever kids make solar systems out of white Styrofoam and ping pong balls for class projects, they’ll write, “Here are the planets: Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune and Especially Not Pluto.” Future couples will ask, “Where’d you like to go for space vacation?” “Especially Not Pluto.”
You wake up to a string of epithets shouted in a familiar voice. Gordon Ramsay is pacing in your bedroom, and he won’t go away until you cook something worth his time. What dish can you make to appease him?
First, I’d tell him to relax with the finest lager my apartment has to offer: Busch Light. As he’s chugging, I’ll heat up some SpaghettiOs, mix in some kale and pickled jalapeños while topping it off with two sunny-side-up eggs. I call this dish, S’il Vous Plait Arrêtez de Parler (French for: Please stop talking).
After years of research and maniacal laughter, you’ve finally created a terrifying hybrid of plant and animal. It’s alive! Dear god, what have you done?
Behold, the Venus frog-trap, a plant with a mouth and a tongue. The little ones catch mosquitoes, while the big fellas go for pigeons. When they get bigger …
You’ve managed to slip a subliminal message into every iPhone on the planet. How will you know when it’s working?
People stop using phones in public.
Centuries from now, only five words remain legible on your grave. What are they?
“… secret to happy life is …”
Read more Freeman: coloradodaily.com/columns. Stalk him: comfyconfines.wordpress.com