I used to think Natural Ice, Taco Bell and “BASEketball” ranked as the best of their respective categories. Hey, give me a break on my tastes. I was 19.
You’ve heard it a thousand times, but you’ve got to make mistakes to learn anything. I wish that were actually true, because if my failures added up to wisdom, people would be climbing mountains to listen to me talk. Here are some mistakes I made about movies.
In middle school, I thought the higher the movie’s sequel number, the better. In the original “Friday the 13th” you see (Spoiler alert!) three or four people get killed and maybe one set of boobs. It followed that in “Friday the 13th Part 19,” Jason would kill maybe 23 folks and you’d see 10 naked ladies. That’s what I wanted as an early teen.
My brilliant movie logic didn’t end there.
I got really high and watched “Scary Movie,” which I thought was an actual scary movie. I mean, I was stoned to the gills. I skipped “Slumdog Millionaire” because I didn’t want to see a movie about a rapper. I ordered the Blu-ray of Dolly Parton’s classic “The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas” — just kidding, I don’t have a Blu-ray player. And I heard there aren’t any boobs in that movie about hookers in the Lone Star State.
I’ve also just made honest mistakes. I could’ve looked at Rotten Tomatoes before I invited a wonderful woman to watch “The Wrestler.” It sounded like a great comedy about this total loser in the WWF. After about 15 minutes of despair, my date gave me a look that said, “Do you need help or something?”
Which I didn’t, until years later when I was having a really bad day and decided I needed to see a badass post-apocalyptic science fiction movie like “Mad Max.” So I put on “The Road.” If you didn’t think “The Wrestler” was depressing enough, try watching Viggo Mortensen and his son desperately trying not to starve to death — or get eaten.
My mom likes pretty basic (boring) shows like “Law & Order,” “NCIS” and “Bones.” I once convinced her to watch my new favorite show, “Six Feet Under.” I explained the amazing premise, brilliant writing and how I related to the characters. It just so happened that the beginning of the particular episode we started off with had a really, really graphic gay sex scene. So my mom asked me, “Is this your way of trying to tell me something?” I blamed it all on my brother.
Since then, I’ve improved my tastes, but right now I’m busy. So if you need me, I’ve got a PBR to drink, some Chipotle to eat and some “BASEketball” to watch. Sniff you jerks later.