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The way the United States is headed, it’s likely that those of us who favor racial equality and accessible health care and still believe adult men dating teenagers is not only wrong but a felony will be interred at Trump-brand prison camps currently being erected across America’s heartland. You heard it here first. I may be a member of “The Mainstream Media,” but why let the truth get in the way of a good conspiracy theory?

It stands to reason that because the United States lies smack dab in the middle of North America, the enlightened among us who want to avoid the prison Trump Steaks and Trump Water — both violations of the Geneva Conventions, by the way — will flee north to Canada or south to Mexico.

If we can haul our overweight, diabetes-riddled carcasses over the southern border wall, which might topple because of shoddy construction, we can find refuge in Mexico. They might not be that happy to see us.

“John Bear’s journal. March 17, 2022. Refugee Camp Cinco. Guadalajara, Mexico. I’m overcome with the unshakeable feeling that because my countrymen spent years accusing Mexicans of rape and drug crimes, not everyone in this fine country appreciates our presence. The conditions in this refugee camp are squalid, much worse than I could have possibly imagined. A shortage of running water coupled with poor sewage emits an overpowering stench that stings my nostrils. On the bright side, the food is awesome: charro beans and tacos, plus Señora Izaguirre puts some sort of spice mix in the rice that I can’t quite place but is simply divine. I always have seconds, which is actually required in a Mexican refugee camp.

“John Bear’s journal. April 29, 2022. Refugee Camp Cuatro. Outside of Ciudad Juarez, Mexico. Just received word that a group of far more affluent Americans have taken up residence in a cartel-plagued neighborhood. Annoyed by the constant ring of automatic gunfire — but not the violence or suffering — they have already started a community advocacy organization called New Juarez Residents for Quiet Neighborhoods. Oh my God, I’m so embarrassed by these people.”

Of course, Canada might not work out well either. The Canadians are a friendly people, but they have their limits.

“John Bear’s journal. Aug. 2, 2022. Moosehead Refugee Camp. Regina, Saskatchewan, Canada. Terrible news. We, the American Diaspora, are being sent home to certain death. Why you ask? It turns out that the Canadians, an infinitely patient and hospitable people, lack the tolerance of their southern neighbors for mass shootings. A very polite man just came on Canadian State Television (Maple TV) and said this:

“‘Hey there. Like, we are really, very sorry, but we are going to have to ask all you Americans to leave. It’s nothing personal. We just can’t have you walking around our shopping malls and plugging the shoppers because you’re having a bad day. Please take six pack of Molson with you and have a nice day, OK?'”

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