If you’ve read something or dated in the past few years, you’ve probably heard of or used Tinder. While it’s not my favorite way to meet women, it’s a way to meet women. So it’s not so bad. Thus far, I have made an amazing relationship with a Tinder girl, scored some friends with benefits and had some lousy one-date skates (that’s a new term I just made up).

My profile is not about how I’m cooler than the rest of the dudes out there. I say the truth: I travel, read, write, exercise and work a real (but boring) job. And I show the truth, with an eye toward making the most of my chances. I have photos of me with a kangaroo (most women like animals), me wearing a tank top (some women like muscles and/or tattoos), me dressed up, me casual and me sitting on the emperor’s throne from Star Wars.

You might say the way I select girls on Tinder is d-baggy, but I don’t think only picking women who strike my fancy makes me shallow. I just like what I like, and it varies from day to day. I look at the first one or two photos and the distance from me. I’ll consciously swipe left or right for a while, then I’ll get bored and just swipe right until all my likes are used up. Later, if a girl picks me, I evaluate her. I only talk to the attractive, sane and nearby gals.

I’m never a jerk to the girls who don’t jumble my rumble. I just ignore them like they’re homeless people. I don’t talk to them, acknowledge their existence, insult them or give them money.

Now that you know how a Tinder guy operates, here’s a list of things the successful hetero girls avoid:

• Posing with a bunch of your friends in more than one photo. No one wants to play “Where’s Waldo” on Tinder.

• A photo of just your dog. That could be anyone’s dog. Plus, the dog’s not the one looking for love. Why don’t you pose with your dog?

• Look at you with another dude. Is that your ex? Brother? Gay BFF? A cool celebrity is OK.

• A selection of only headshots. A selection of only body shots with your head cropped out of each one would give the same message: that you’re hiding something.

• Baby pictures. Yeah, you were cute back then, but no one wants to date a baby. Actually, some do, and you probably don’t want to match with those people.

• A picture of you holding a baby is going to raise questions. However, photos with your mom or granny are totally cool. It’s a glimpse into the future for those who want to make a long-term investment.

Yeah, Tinder, Bumble, Grindr and the newest apps are all vacuous, ego patting, vapid and every other snotty word you can find on And yeah, spending a split second or two on your profile is too short, but if you’re trolling for dates at the gym, bar or grocery store — that’s all you get from prospects anyway.

What do you think about my methods? Happy swiping!

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