• Bear

  • Jochen Luebke / Getty Images

    Members of the working arctic press are fed up with this circus.



POINT BARROW, Alaska — A polar bear who last year denied he was a polar bear has again lashed out against the media following the publication of a book, “Fire and Furry,” that raises questions regarding the polar bear’s mental stability.

The author, an Arctic fox, defended himself against allegations by the polar bear that the book is a “work of fiction,” particularly a segment that detailed a contentious exchange between the bear and a reporter with the Daily Arctic Observer during which he denied he was a polar bear.

“Press conference never happened,” the polar bear wrote on his Twitter account @ImNotAPolarBear. “It’s another attempt by the liberal snowy owl media to paint me as a polar bear, which I’m not and have never been. Losers! … Lots of people are saying I’m not a polar bear. Even more are saying I’m a very furry genius!!”

The bear sent out a second tweet with no explanation that said, “Any allegations by dumbass reindeers are untrue! #MakeItRein!!!”

The press conference was recorded and widely reported, but that has not stopped the bear’s press team from denying that the press conference happened. On Tuesday, the bear’s press secretary, a snowshoe hare, attacked the Arctic fox and appeared to double down on the assertion that polar bear is not a polar bear.

A portion of the press conference is reprinted here:

“I mean it’s just obvious that there is an inherent bias in the liberal Arctic press, and no one can deny that. Also, the polar bear denies any of the allegations made in this piece of trash book, particularly that he is, in fact, a polar bear,” the hare said. “I’ll take some questions now, although I’m sure they will be awful.”

“Snowy Owl, Daily Arctic Observer,” a snowy owl began.

“Oh no, not you. Next reporter.”

“Uh, I am a member of the working arctic press, and I’m credentialed to be in the polar press pool. I have a question, Ms. Hare —”

“Yeah, I’m not a snowshoe hare, and I don’t know how you got that idea.”

“Oh my, are we going to do this again?”

“Doing what again?”

“Ma’am, last year Mr. Bear denied he was a polar bear for reasons that are still terribly unclear, and now you are denying that you are a snowshoe hare, when it is abundantly clear that you are, in fact, a snowshoe hare. What is the long game in taking this tack?”

“You’re a snowshoe hare.”

The snowy owl threw up its wings in exasperation. The hare snickered. All of a sudden, the polar bear emerged from the door in the back of the room. He appeared to be dressed in a penguin suit.

“Rar, I’m a penguin,” he announced to the room.

“Sir, has it occurred to you that it’s not helping your case that you are mentally stable when you deny you are a polar bear and are dressed as a penguin?” the snowy owl asked, mostly rhetorically.

“You’re a polar bear!”

“Sir, there are no penguins in the Arctic.”

“Fake news!” The bear and hare yelled in unison.

Read more Bear: coloradodaily.com/columnists. Stalk him: twitter.com/johnbearwithme

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