I graduated with degrees in English and journalism, which means I’m qualified to write cover letters with nearly perfect grammar while looking for jobs multiple times a day. Since it’s pretty likely I won’t become the next Ernest Hemingway — or Ernest Goes to Camp — I’ve decided to look into some other careers.

Chef: Not a chef in a real restaurant, but a chef in my own bar, which I hope to eventually own. I’d cook a wide variety dishes such as Campbell’s Tomato Soup, Cup Noodles, Quaker Oats and Pop Tarts. Maybe I’ll even make a drink from time to time like Kool-Aid or that frozen orange juice from a cylinder.

Food Tester: In today’s political climate, I’m sure there are plenty of assassination plots. “Game of Thrones” may have brought poison back to the forefront of killing the higher-ups. I want to be the guy that tests food for strychnine before the big wig takes a bite. I don’t want to work for President Trump — not because I’m afraid of ingesting venom but because I don’t like McDonald’s. I’d rather play Russian roulette with food for well-liked politicians because, you know, nobody’s going to poison them.

TV Repairman: Remember those stories about dudes who would drive to your house and fix your boob tube? I feel like I could do that. Only I wouldn’t fix flat screens, just the old televisions that are built like bomb shelters. I figure only elderly folks still own those, so while I “worked” and they ate their pudding or changed catheters, I’d just switch Grandma’s old crappy TV with one I bought at a garage sale for $20. Boom!

Fruit Organizer: I’ll make my living putting those little stickers on fruit. Who doesn’t like fruit, assembly lines and stickers? Exactly.

CEO: Maybe starting off as a CEO sounds a little too ambitious, but hear me out. I don’t want to be the head of a corporation that actually does stuff. I want to run a dummy corporation. I could manage a money-laundering place (I don’t even know what those are. Laundromats? I think I saw that on “Breaking Bad”). Nah, set me up in a tropical banana republic near the beach, give me an office and nothing to do, and I promise I’ll be a guaranteed success.

Security Guard: I’d like to watch over the dump. Are people going to dump something in the dump? Cool with me!

This last one is the dream gig from heaven.

Meter Maid: Not a toll booth guy; they’re inside all day. A meter maid gets to strut around in the fresh air and ruin people’s days, afternoons and/or nights — all while getting paid! When I’m on the clock, I look at things, enforce the law, write tickets and get threatened by all types of horrors. And these idle offenders have nobody to blame but themselves. It’s got to be like getting a salary to watch children smile. The joy of booting a car or towing somebody’s prize possession must feel like placing a flag on the moon multiple times during every shift.

So, are any of my readers hiring?

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