Colorado has experienced a population growth over the past several years.

I should know. I’m one of the tens of thousands of people to come flooding in. The people with “Colorado Native” bumper stickers probably hate me.

In my defense, I’m from New Mexico, which is right next door. I should be allowed in, just like people from Mexico should be allowed into the United States. It seems not very neighborly to throw out the neighbors. Unless they are Canadians.

I’d like to take this opportunity to apologize to Canadians everywhere. You are fine people, and I enjoy your comedy troupes and ham that you call bacon.

Anyway, the population along the Front Range has exploded, and the state seems to be filling up more quickly than prairie dogs can be murdered and poor people displaced to make way for overpriced, substandard housing for the young urban professionals and their big, dumb dogs.

Part of the problem: golf courses and cemeteries.

Famous real estate mogul Al Czervik once said that golf courses and cemeteries are the biggest waste of prime real estate, and he was right. I often find myself consumed with righteous indignation whenever I drive past a golf course and think: Wow, that’s a really beautiful park and I’m not allowed on it unless put on a polo shirt.

Confession: My grandfather was 100 percent Scottish. The Scots invented the modern version of golf. I apologize to everyone for this. If it were up to me, the Scots would be brought up on charges for this travesty.

Another confession: I’m pretty sure my grandfather was actually Irish, but he called himself Scottish because there was some point in the history of this country when white dudes didn’t brag about being Irish. I know. I’m confused, too.

Anyway, golf courses are a huge waste of space. So are cemeteries. I don’t think I’m alone here when I say that it seems kind of selfish to say to your family: “My darling loved ones, I’m dying. I bequeath my estate and belongings to my children to be divided among you equally. I hope that you will use them to bring a modicum of joy to your lives. By the way, I hope to ruin at least one day of your year, so stuff me in a box with a big rock sign and visit on my birthday.”

Side note: When I die, just throw my carcass out in the desert. The coyotes have to eat, too.

We can’t completely get rid of golf courses because the affluent would have nowhere to go to discuss all the sinister shit they are into. And cemeteries are important for amateur photographers and weird high school kids.

Solution: Combine the two. It will work. A lot of cemeteries and golf courses sound like each other — Mountain View, Brentwood, etc. How about the Mountain View Municipal Golf Course and Memorial Park? It has a nice ring, don’t you think?

Read more Bear: Stalk him:

blog comments powered by Disqus