• Morguefile

    A pre-production shot from "Guardians of the Galaxie 500," about a lovable family of rabid raccoons who live in a burned-out Ford.

  • Bear



I’ve always wanted to be a filmmaker. Alas, I have no money, connections or perceivable talent in this arena, and my genius will likely remain unappreciated until long after my death. I’m OK with it. In the mean time, I’ll be content with coming up with bad ideas and hoping for the best. Here are some movie ideas. If any of them get made, I want 10 percent off the gross and streaming right in perpetuity.

“The Camera”

It’s a newspaper movie, but instead of following a crack team of Pulitzer Prize-winning investigative journalists, “The Camera” details one day in the life of a struggling night-shift reporter as he waits for someone, anyone to call him back and considers what, if any, other job he is qualified to do. In true cinéma-vérité style, the film is eight hours long. For added realism, theatergoers are required to drink coffee to the point of bladder distention and watch endless loops of CNN. Every night will feature a different internet troll or public official hoping you lose your job. Tickets are only $12, but apparently that’s an insultingly high amount of money to ask. Starring Daniel Day Lewis, and because I’m sure we can’t get him, James Franco as both the reporter and the paper. Is that still cool? James Franco? I’m having trouble keeping track.

“Guardians of the Galaxie 500”

Bradley Cooper returns as Rocket in this fun-for-all-ages animated film that features a lovable family of rabid raccoons as they live out their lives in a burned-out Ford, forage through garbage cans and ponder the question: Why is everyone so in love with prairie dogs and not us? What the hell did we do wrong? We have opposable thumbs and cute little burglar masks. Where’s our defense fund? On second thought, maybe leave the kids at home. Screw it. Bring them along. How else are they going to learn? James Franco costars as a compost bin.

“Bear Man”

It’s a superhero movie about a grumpy, out-of-shape vigilante named Bear Man. Bear Man’s civilian alter ego is a grumpy, out-of-shape reporter named John Bear, no relation, who is sick of picnic basket jokes in the newsroom. The plot of the movie centers around an incredulous Bear Man who simply can’t believe that no one has made the connection between him and his alter ego. They are both so moody in wintertime, and they both steal all the cookies from the community cookie table. Christian Bale put on a dangerous amount of weight to star and has signed on for three sequels — “Bear Man Takes a Long Walk Because He’s Pissed Off,” “Bear Sulks at his Desk” and “Bear Man Thinks About Calling In but Opts to Just Go to Work.” James Franco costars as — really, he’s in this, too?

Read more Bear: coloradodaily.com/columnists. Stalk him: twitter.com/johnbearwithme

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