I live in a new city with only two friends. It’s been hell trying to make new ones. I thought I’d bro out with a few dudes from the gym, but either they’re too cool or I’m too desperate. Well, who needs bros when you’ve got a girlfriend? So for most of 2017, I tried getting a girlfriend.
I’ve never been good at asking women out. I understand if ladies don’t feel comfortable with a strange guy coming over and chatting them up. Even so, because I’m unfamiliar with the town, I don’t even know where to go to meet normal women.
What’s the solution? Ugh, online dating.
Hold on, it’s not actually so bad. I’ve met stellar women and had wonderful relationships from the internet. But nobody wants to read about those, so here are some of my horror stories from this year:
I’ve been on Tinder, Bumble or OK Cupid and been ghosted a billion times. Luckily, I’ve never experienced being catfished or kittenfished (look it up if you don’t know what that is).
Talking about exes is a surefire to lose my interest, no matter how lonely I am. I’ve been on a couple dates where we both showed up and pretended to be interested in each other for a meal and then took off. No hurt feelings, just realizing you get along a lot better over text than in real life.
I had some dick pic requests. Call me old fashioned and boring, but I’m not into that. Another girl kept asking me to tell her she’s pretty, which I’m totally fine with, but not after just one date. One almost stalker tried to plan out our next six months together after only two meetings.
Two girls lived around the block from me, which I thought would be great. We could hang out all the time! No excuses. But both found ways to sneak out of spending time with me.
A trainwreck of a human wanted me to get high, walk her dogs and then screw while watching “Honey, I Shrunk the Kids.” On a first date.
A gal and I went out a few times. I didn’t like how she always interrupted me, but once I overcame that and started liking her, she said, “You’re just not what I’m interested in right now.” Ah! So close!
Remember that scene in “Jaws” where the sea captain and Richard Dreyfuss compare scars? I did that with a Tinder date and thought it was so cool, except … neither of us thought very highly of each other.
Then I met a perfect one. This beautiful specimen sported a perfect body while also loving “Star Wars,” comedy, dogs and baseball. We laughed and laughed together. The two of us went to great restaurants, and she didn’t judge me for eating a 3-pound burrito in one sitting. Maybe I focused too much on stuffing my face to notice her eating habits.
I wanted to get down with the Frenchiest of French kisses, but my mouth just didn’t obey me. Our lips would touch and my mouth would lock up. After some confusion, I finally realized how she stayed so thin: bulimia. I made out with barf. To make things even worse, she didn’t have toothpaste.
But there’s always another swipe. Hopefully 2018 brings about a good one. Or, you know, maybe I will muster up some courage and actually walk up to a lucky lady in the flesh and ask her out.
Read more Freeman: coloradodaily.com/columns. Stalk him: comfyconfines.wordpress.com