How many billions of dollars do companies make a year telling women they are ugly and they stink and won’t land a man if they don’t buy expensive face wash? There’s a lot of money to be made preying on people’s insecurities, and a lot of ads are sinister as hell.

A recent advertisement features an older woman whose family hates her because she has to stop to use the restroom frequently, and the only way to make them love her is to get on some awful prescription. That’s not very nice.

The ads geared toward men are the best, however. We are so dumb.

How many dudes who own big trucks with gas-wasting V8 engines actually work in a foundry and need to haul 5 tons of steel rods or move an old church across town? I’m guessing not many.

YouTube has been inundating me with a four-minute-long ad for a secret holster that allows you to keep a gun down your pants. None of the men in the ad look like they should even be allowed to own a gun. One guy says he needs it because his employer doesn’t allow guns. An ad encouraging a customer to be dishonest. That’s a novel approach. It’s usually the ads lying.

For about a week, the gun ad alternated with another one for antipsychotic medication. That was weird, because I don’t like guns and my psychotic outbursts don’t generally rise to the level where medication is required. I’m not sure YouTube is gearing the ads toward me. But that begs the question: Who the hell are these ads geared toward?

I recall an ad from about 2000 in which a guy gets sexually assaulted in an elevator by a beautiful woman because she smells his cheap aerosol cologne. I actually ran out and bought a can. To my infinite disappointment, I was not once accosted by any beautiful women in elevators or anywhere else. I think that might be the moment I lost faith in advertising.

Anyway, because there is nothing else important going on in the world today, here are some ideas for manly products for manly men.

Nacho cheese-flavored mouthwash: The mint stuff reminds you of the first time you stole a bottle of peppermint schnapps and threw up all over your grandmother’s crocheted afghan. Not a manly moment. But the taste of taco seasoning swirling around your mouth is sure to make you forget that unpleasantness. Coming soon: Kansas City barbecue.

A body wash that smells like freshly fired assault rifle. No, you don’t have to go down to the indoor shooting range to get that stink of cordite and stinging sensation in your nostrils. Strike fear into your enemies at the office and let the ladies know you are in charge.

A facial scrub with bits of steel wool in it.

Summer’s Eve: If you are a douche with a gun, why not have a douche for your gun?

Read more Bear: Stalk him:

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