Bear

We, the Knights of the National Chivalry Association, do hereby pen this open letter to all royalty to express our extreme opposition to the use of a dastardly new weapon recently seen on the glorious field of battle.

It would seem that some nefarious forces, very possibly toiling in the black service of Lucifer, have invented a new arm that utilizes fire. For simplicity, we will refer to these demonic machines as “firearms.”

We believe it to be in the interest of full disclosure to note that while we are penning this letter in Anno Domini 1521, it does appear to have been written by someone in the 21st century. Our useless scribe appears to have majored in professional writing and, get this, minored in film and utterly neglected learning how to write like Chaucer. So thou wilt have to let art flow over thyself.

Anyway, we the Merry Knights of the NCA do hereby lodge our formal complaint and humbly beg of the Kings of the Realms of Europe and Abroad to forbid the use of firearms on the field of battle for they are a COWARDLY WAY TO WAGE THE SACRED ART OF WAR. (We capitalized the last passage to assure readers of our serious intent. We hope that in the coming centuries, CAPITALIZING ENTIRE WORDS AND PASSAGES will be used by smart people to express themselves effectively.)

We digress. As Super Awesome Knights, we spend years and sometimes decades learning how to Knight properly. Our training includes mastery of horseback riding, use of swords, maces, axes and those long things one uses for jousting.

It’s a lot of work, so one can imagine our dismay when we sink our entire lives into learning the Craft of Chivalry only to be cut down in one’s prime by some low-rent schmuck with an arquebus. Our shining armor is also not cheap, so we hope one can understand how lame it is when some half-trained nervous peasant shaking behind a firearm shoots a hole in it.

We urge Kings the world over to consider an outright ban on firearms. As Knights, our years of disciplined training allows us to temper our passions and conduct ourselves in a noble and just manner. Should these beastly firearms become widely available among the serfs, what is to stop one of them from slaying scores of people because he had a bad day?

Furthermore, what’s to stop the commoners, now armed with a device that can fell a mighty Knight, to overthrow their King? To prevent this, the nobility would have to build even bigger firearms. One day, they might build a firearm so large that its ghastly flame would engulf us all.

We just think this is perhaps a road best left untraveled. Should this new trend of deadly weapons for the unshaven, knuckle-dragging peasantry continue unabated, chivalry, for all intents and purposes, will be dead.

We think that totally sucks.

Read more Bear: coloradodaily.com/columnists. Stalk him: twitter.com/johnbearwithme

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