The International Brotherhood of Narcotraffickers on Wednesday condemned New York-based private equity firm The Carrion Group for what the consortium of drug dealers, smugglers and manufacturers says is greedy and unethical behavior by the investment organization that owns dozens of media outlets across the United States.
“While we are used to a making a healthy profit margin — really sometimes as high as 15 percent — we try to take care of those in our employ,” said a masked man who would identify himself only as “Snake.”
“Here’s the deal: You can’t have a successful, long-term business if you lay off two-thirds of your employees and overwork the others until they hang up their triple-beam scales and automatic weapons, as it were,” Snake said. “It’s not rocket science.”
Snake added that he is troubled by what appears to be a lack of long-term goals or any interest in the news business by Carrion.
“I don’t get not wanting a company to succeed in the long term,” he said. “I mean, I’m not handing out drug rehab literature with every half gram. It’s just silly, really.”
Leaked documents from Carrion, a secretive hedge fund, show that the company has been making 20 percent profits while stripping media outlets of staff and infrastructure since it bought the controlling shares of Cutting Edge Media in 2011.
Carrion did not respond to repeated phone calls, emails, smoke signals and telepathic messages seeking comment.
“Why would you want to buy a company just to ruin it?” John “El Cortador” Johnson, a former Central Intelligence Agency deep-cover operative and current spiritual leader of the notorious Puño Negro Cartel, said in a phone interview Wednesday.
“I have always, historically at least, worked in cocaine,” Johnson said. “It’s very profitable. But I realized that methamphetamine is the drug of the future. It’s entirely synthetic, which cuts down on international trafficking. I only have to get it over one border.”
Johnson added that he invested several million dollars in setting up three “super labs” in the jungles of the Yucatan Peninsula in Mexico, and he has seen improved profits and a product that he calls “state-of-the-art shit.”
“You can’t really call a company ‘Cutting Edge’ if you aren’t investing in cutting-edge technology,” he said. “It just doesn’t work that way. You have to spend money to make money. To do otherwise does a disservice to customers as well as your employees.”
Chad Todderson, who describes himself as an “upper echelon” member of an American-based opioid sales team, said he formerly worked at a private equity fund but resigned because “you just can’t trust those people.”
“I saw the story about Carrion’s profits, and I must say, I was disgusted,” Todderson said. “That’s why I moved on to narcotics trafficking. It’s just a better way to make a living and way more ethical than investments. I have to be able to look at myself in the mirror every day.”