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The internet can provide the spark for the happiest new relationships and guide the way to fulfilling careers. My mom and aunts ask me why I’m not married or working my dream job. I’m a happy, well-read, well-fed, funny, educated and good-looking chap. Why don’t I have my own commercial?

I found my last few jobs and relationships online. They involved a lot of trial and error. A lot. And I mean a lot. If you’re just getting back into the lonely planet or the unemployed world, here are some quick pointers while searching for that perfect partner or paycheck.


Sometimes you’re excited to meet an extremely hot Christian Bale lookalike with 16-pack abs, but he’s actually an extremist Christian fail who’s looking for a six-pack. Job ads do this, too. There are plenty of “entry-level” and “marketing” jobs out there, but in reality, you’ll be selling umbrellas door to door. It’s kind of like marketing. Point is, you’ll get tricked. Do some homework.


Love and success are a numbers game. You have a ton of options but not a ton of time. Sure, you could write the most heartfelt thing ever to that lovely person who loves dogs or the nonprofit with stand-up desks, but maybe they keep forgetting to take that profile down, are looking for a very specific type of person or are just doing this for attention. While searching, I wouldn’t even look at profiles or companies. I’d move from phone to laptop: like, apply, like, apply, like, apply. Then a few days or moments later, “Who the hell is this person texting me?” “Did I really want to sell office furniture in Detroit?”

Ugh, photos

Usually, it’s the ladies who deal with unpleasant photo demands, but I’ve received a few and been asked for some. If you enjoy swapping nudes with consenting parties, that’s cool. But it’s not for me. Potential employers also want you to do a little something-something before they put you on the payroll. “Edit this excerpt!” “How would you solve this?” Yeah, I understand the need for a little preview, but I also don’t like doing things for free.

Hiding my online self

Am I the guy who wrote about his talking boner? Yes, I am. Does that mean you don’t want to hire me or go on a date? Cool. Dear Reader, if you want to make sure you’re not getting shot down before you’re up in the air, clean up your internet life.

Um, I really, uh, had a great time, you know. I hope you did, too. You did, right?

It’s hard not being desperate. Everything’s bonkers when you finally find a gig, guy or girl you actually like. When should you send a thank you? Wait too long, and maybe they think you’re not interested. Write or text instantly, and maybe you’re the clingy type.

Check, double-check and check again

I’m not interested in sales, computers, driving, dating dudes, threesomes and plenty of other things. But I keep accidentally showing interest.

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