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Intelligent extraterrestrial life would never come to Earth because it’s essentially the Alabama of the galaxy. For that matter, dumb extraterrestrial life would probably not venture here either.

If you are from Alabama and offended by the comparison, just pretend I said Florida. If you are from Florida, imagine I said Oklahoma. If you are from Oklahoma, you know why I’m mad at you.

If aliens do come here, they won’t be stopping off at the United States. It’s too dangerous. Americans seem like the kind of people who would dissect them. Even humans walk around not knowing if or when we’ll get shot by an overmedicated internet troll who is having a bad day because he can’t get a date.

If aliens offered us wildly fantastic technology that would make life beyond wonderful for every last man, woman and child, we would figure out a way to fashion it into some horrible weapon and give a tax break to the awful corporation that mass-produced it.

Conservatives would blame the space visitors — and teachers, immigrants and poor people — for all of the problems facing the world. Liberals would act way too polite and keep telling the aliens, “I totally would have voted for an alien if one ran for president.” I know you mean well, liberals, but it’s super awkward for the aliens. Knock it off.

Our friends from far off might stop off in Mexico. Sure, we snotty Americans like to look down on the Republic of Mexico. Our current president even wants to build a big wall along the border to keep out those pesky Mexicans. The joke, however, is on us. I give it 18 months before the living situation is so bad here, we will be scrambling over that wall to look for work in Juarez.

“So, yeah, really sorry about all that terrible drug, crime and rape stuff our president said about you guys,” I will say, head hung low. “Necessito trabajo. Está aqui?”

“Chipotle is hiring,” a guy will say in English that puts my Spanish to shame.

“Really? They have those here?”


Sorry I have strayed so far off topic. Any sort of travel that is measured in light-years will leave a sentient, carbon-based lifeform with a powerful thirst. Mexico has you covered. Our friends to the south have mastered the art of making beer. While you might be saying, “But I love my oatmeal pumpkin spice stout,” you are wrong. It’s Carta Blanca. I don’t drink (any more), but I hope they serve Carta Blanca in heaven.

If our visitors turn out to be friends of Bill W., Mexico also has way better Coca-Cola. I don’t know what they do with it, but it’s amazing.

Anyway, if you are listening, aliens, please come and get me. I want off this rock.

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