A round up of bad movie ideas I’ve had thus far.

Romantic comedy

A 20-something woman with no real agency. Her entire point of existing is to pine for a man who is above her league. Maybe she gets him, or maybe she realizes that the friend she ignored the entire movie is really the man for her. The actress has to be scorching hot, and if she goes for the underdog, he should be tubby and unremarkable. The twist on this lame formula: As the young lady and her new beaux walk together hand in hand toward the sunset, they are both killed in a hail of gunfire by two warring drug gangs.


A zombie takes on the personality of the last person it ate, who was a creep of the lowest order. It runs for president and wins, but not the popular vote. All the other zombies refuse to admit that their zombie leader is a consummate douche bag.

Bleak near future

In the future, standup comedians will just climb on stage and press a button on a box that emits a dial tone for an hour. People who can’t hear that exact frequency will be deeply offended and take to future Twitter to demand the comedian be fired.

I guess more romantic comedy

A guy loosely based on me goes to couples counseling alone because he has two people’s worth of personality disorder.

More horror

Raccoons take over the world. (It could happen. They have opposable thumbs.) First, they destroy all motor vehicles, because cars have killed so many of their brethren.

Young adult trashy crime fiction

Like super trashy and not at all appropriate for children. In fact, it should be banned for being prurient trash. (It’s a cheap marketing ploy on my part. It’s all adults reading “young adult fiction” anyway.)

The future is really bleak, isn’t it?

Our story takes place on an enormous space station and on a wrecked and desolate earth. Space is ultra modern but sterile and totalitarian. Earth is wild and crazy, but everyone is highly literate and enjoys all the free books. A war breaks out over the most confusing tome of all time: “The Associated Press Style Guide.” Flames.

Instructional guide

A nonfiction book explaining to fans of the “50 Shades of Grey” why the story is not romantic and why in reality being stalked by a millionaire would be terrifying. Yes, I read the entire first book, all 550 pages of it, at the behest of a girlfriend. Once I finished it and purged that vomit taste from my mouth, she insisted I read the other two. We aren’t together anymore.

Read more Bear: Stalk him:

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