Dear Christy,

I just want a nice, modest woman who wants to be fucked like an inmate. Is that so wrong?

— Bubba

Maximum Security:

You’re pretty. Pray tell me, how an inmate is fucked? I’ve seen only two seasons of “Orange is the New Black,” so I’m not up to date on the craftsmanship of smashing genitals behind bars.

Let’s watch my imagination take a walk:

First, let me tie up some prison sheets across the bars. And get full consent.

Oooooh. Baby dropped the soap. Hold please while I climb into that shower, pick up that pubic-hair-plastered bar of soap for you, jam it in your mouth and shock you from behind.

Baby’s looking goooood laying there on that super uncomfortable chair, peacefully reading “Chicken Soup for the Sadomasochist Soul.” I’m going to give baby a sneak-attack, a nice, hot golden shower and then we’ll pound roughly against some cold concrete before we move over to the gym to scrape up our asses on cinder blocks.

Look how sweet baby looks, eyes rapidly fluttering underneath those soft eyelids. Smile on the face, a rough sheet tucked up gently under the chin. I’ll crawl over, rip those bright-orange pants off, pork like a wild boar (or warthog, pygmy hog or domestic pig — it will depend on my mood) and we’ll both squeal so loudly that the next town will activate its severe weather sirens.

You want it rough and dirty with a humble, kind-hearted woman who kisses her mother with that mouth. Let me introduce you to Catholic singles dot com.

The dating site is chock-full of women tagged “dirty trollops” by the men who raised them. Women who have repressed so many emotions that they don’t know how to feel. Women who have been told they’re invaluable and invalid in this patriarchal world. (You can’t be a priest; get back in the kitchen.) Women who have been raised to think everything they’ve done is wrong, baseless and a sin. (How dare Mary Magdalene wash Jesus’ feet. She clearly was trying to get in his pants.) Women who have been told feminism is a flight of fancy, dear. It’s for the “liberals.”

Women who, when they finally break free, rage against the machine and do everything they’ve been told not to do.

Then they go to confession, man’s way of dry-erasing sins, but they still feel guilty.

Christ on a campus, that really escalated. (Speaking for myself, Catholics, relax.)

There are modest girls who like it rough. You’ll find her. Just no sneak-attacks without consent or I will send you straight to prison — where you can receive the sacrament of penance and dry-erase your crime.

Read more Fantz: Stalk her:

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