• Hardies

  • Cliff Grassmick / Staff Photographer

    So you survived high school, got your acceptance letter and found your way to the beautiful University of Colorado campus in Boulder. Congratulations! Now's your chance to learn about yourself and make allies before you have to face the wild world of adulting.



Welcome, alumni in the making. The hallowed halls of the University of Colorado beckon.

(Help us.)

Here, you will spend your days deep in thought, absorbing knowledge, adding skills and ideas to your ever-growing repertoire.

(We screwed up.)

You will meet all kinds of people from different walks of life. Your mind will be opened to a glimpse of the infinite perspectives of humanity.

(We swallowed lies about each other and the world. We should have spit.)

A piece of every person you encounter will become a part of you; the more interesting the individual, the bigger the piece. And you will give out pieces as well.

(We lost friends. We lost ground.)

You’ll walk through the ivy-coated walls of the campus’ stately sandstone canyons, mind alternately quieted and excited by man’s capacity for forging order from chaos.

(Record-huge wildfires are raging so hard, they’re spawning tornadoes.)

Professors and peers will regale you with stories of the Earth’s past and present. You’ll be infused with the promise of the future.

(The glaciers are shrinking. We’re freezing rhino sperm.)

Some classes will be a piece of cake. Those will teach you very little. But some will challenge your stamina, intellect and preconceived notions.

(We elected turds.)

You might fall in love. Your class work and other interests may be wholly neglected while you pursue the object of your affection.

(We play “Animal Crossing” so we can experience the unrealistic joy of paying off debts.)

Maybe you’ll get a free education in how to deal with a broken heart alongside your expensive degree.

(Dudes are literally killing strangers because they’re upset they aren’t getting laid.)

The world may weigh heavily on you. If you feel depression setting in, don’t hesitate to make use of the mental health resources offered to all students.

(Corruption is growing like that mole I can’t afford to have a doctor look at.)

If you feel rage setting in, remember that this emotion can be constructive rather than destructive.

(Betsy DeVos’ family has 10 goddamn yachts.)

Anger can be channeled into positive change. There are so many worthy causes, the selection is daunting.

(We can’t afford housing, but we’re leaving huge tips, because we know wages are fucked.)

There’s never enough time or resources to shoulder all the burdens. Fight one battle at a time. Take breaks. You cannot pour from an empty cup.

(But powerful assholes are starting to be held accountable.)

Smarts will take you only so far. You will have to work hard, develop discipline and find your passion.

(People are naming their abusers, recording injustice and registering to vote.)

Your plans may change along the way, but learning to roll with the changes is its own field of study.

(It doesn’t have to be this way.)

It may take more than four years, but eventually you’ll find yourself in a cap and gown.

(We can change the world, together.)

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