Out of my 30 tattoos, I regretted only one. So I covered it up. Now I regret that, too. I wish I never did it the first place.
It was Deadpool, but that was before he was cool. A decade ago, I grew sick of explaining that it wasn’t Spider-Man, so my artist turned him into a robot-looking thing.
It’s … stupid.
Why did I ink Deadpool in the first place? Well, I thought he was cool, had an extra $150 in my pocket and some time to kill on a Saturday.
Because this crappy tattoo takes up prime real estate, I can’t get a full-back piece. What would I get? I have no idea, but at least I’d have the option.
I don’t want to sound like a boring adult, but seriously, think about your tattoo, its placement, what it looks like, who will do it, what people will think and if you’ll still like it after a while. It’s like naming a child — people will find ways to make fun of your kid’s name.
Once, I opened the door to a tattoo parlor because an idea just popped into my mind. “Since I’m a world traveler, I’ll get a compass tattooed!” My hand touched the doorknob. “Wait, I don’t even know how to use a compass. I get lost walking across the street, can’t remember directions and can’t read a map.” Not to sound pompous, but after staying in hostels across the world, compass tattoos seem played out.
Since I’m the most tattooed person some people know, they ask my advice.
I’m happy that you’re in love, but stay away from partners’ names. On top of that, avoid hateful messages to your exes, because someday you’ll take your clothes off in front of a new person who’ll freak out at your tattoo that says “DIE, CASEY!” Take it from someone who has three-and-a-half tattoos dedicated to exes.
A coworker of mine tattooed a Buddhist peace symbol that looks like a swastika. Brand-new meditators show off their new religion with tattoos of Buddha, but that’s incredibly disrespectful to many Buddhists.
A friend tattooed his kid’s name on his right forearm in gigantic letters. His next kid got the left forearm. He asked, “What should I do about the third kid?” I didn’t have the answer. Now he’s got a fourth on the way, and I don’t know if the second half of his army will feel less important than the first two.
I always say avoid trends. Remember Chinese characters and tribal tattoos?
If you think, “It would be hilarious to have a dinosaur kicking a businessman in the nuts,” sit on it for a while. If you decide, “Yeah, that’s hilarious,” then maybe we can be best friends, because that’s what I did.