Today is National Singles Day. As the official ambassador to awkward sex topics and the culprit to landing Baby Boomers in confessional boxes, yours truly is here to bring out the ass in ambassador.
Or something like that.
Co-worker Shay, who forwarded me the tip about National Singles Day, asked, “So what are you going to write about it?”
Fantz: “I’ll see where my fingers take me.”
Shay: “That should be the National Singles Day slogan.”
Champagne popping, fireworks blasting, pants dropping. You’ve got a slogan, singles. Today is your day to see where your fingers take you.
Perhaps you’ll spend the day like some of us, wondering whether porn actor’s/actress’ parents keep tabs on their child’s work.
“Honey, did you see Pat’s latest? Going to the neighbor’s to mow the lawn? Pat ended up mowing the neighbor’s (giggle) lawn, all right.”
“I did! It’s one of Pat’s best roles. The double entendre was pure genius. I sent it to Grandma.”
Maybe your fingers will take you to the corner of the garage, death-gripping a warm bladder of wine and watching your tears drop into leaked-transmission fluid puddles, like the rest of us.
Perhaps your fingers will take you to a jovial game of Jenga with other singles. Then you’ll Jenga your way into a swingers game of sex Jenga where you stack on top of each other like sardines and plow the person underneath you.
(It’s a real thing. Your dad told me about it, but he failed to explain logistics, like what if the heaviest participant is claustrophobic? What about when the stack of naked humans gets all sweaty? Do they slide off from the top? Or does the middle bow out, causing the whole bunch to flop to the ground, looking like Lil’ Smokies slipping around in a Crock Pot full of barbecue sauce? Does the autoerotic asphyxiation practitioner claim the base?)
Maybe your fingers will take you to a remote control battle over “Bachelor in Paradise” vs. “Teen Mom.” Or maybe your fingers will Lyft you to a club where you can untz untz untz the night away with other sloppy singles.
Wherever your fingers take you, I’ll leave you with some juicy residue, so wash your hands: A “Hookup Hotspots” survey made its way to the newsroom inbox Friday, and its results of compiled Google search data found the most and least likely cities and states looking for love. Colorado clocked in at No. 11. (Rhode Island came in at No. 1 and Mississippi at No. 50.)
A digital marketing agency teamed up with Four Loko and found where certain searches — like “dating apps,” “best bars for singles,” “how to get more matches on Tinder,” “best pick-up lines,” “where to buy condoms” (and more) — ranked high and compiled results.
Survey says: Denver is high, all right. At No. 1, it sits as the “hottest hookup spot in the country.” So on this fine day of only having to worry about your own fingers down your own pants, you are blessed with the information that Colorado wants to bang and Denver is horny as fuck.
Keep in mind that these results were brought to you by Four Loko, the early-2000s malt beverage dubbed “blackout in a can.”