We all have inappropriate friends. Like the one who texts pictures of dudes humping tailpipes or a nutsack silhouette gracing a white sand beach.
We cringe, sometimes laugh, and usually freak out because our phone was face-up on the work desk. The text — double dinging four times in a 30-second period because, after seven years, we have yet to disable iPhone’s double notifications — illuminates as the boss stands over the desk.
The hapless lock screen. It’s solid for not opening notifications yet detrimental when virgin eyes see.
A friend recently told me that she has a buddy who sends her inappropriate texts. It doesn’t bother her, she said; it’s the nature of their decades-long friendship. She does the same thing to him. They’ve never been intimate and don’t have aspirations to be, they just have a sexual harassy friendship. (A timely new adjective.)
Here’s the problem, she said: Sometimes her phone is on the couch, coffee table or counter and the texts pop up on her lock screen, some of them seen by her boyfriend.
Now the boyfriend is on high alert that she’s porking this so-called friend.
Porking? Hell no, she said. It’s never crossed her mind. He’s like a brother to her. But while she’s waxing her asshole over the kitchen sink and her phone, sitting on the coffee table, alerts, “Hey boo, you busy tonight or are you up for some phone sex?,” well, her boyfriend, watching TV next to the buzzing, understandably flips.
“I’ve explained to my boyfriend that Dude is my best friend, and that he just wants to catch up with a phone call. I’ve told him we have a very familial friendship, it’s nothing more,” she said.
“Familial” was a poor choice of words, but I didn’t tell her. (I wonder if she sends “IPN, WTTP?” to Dad. Ask Gen Z.)
Siri, translate, please. “OK Christy: I’m posting naked. Want to trade pictures?”
You sly fox, Siri. LYLAS.
“Why don’t you tell your friend to knock it off?” I asked. “Tell him he’s causing strife and he can’t text like that anymore?”
“I have,” she said. “He thinks it’s funny that he’s causing insecurities in my boyfriend.”
So he thrives on instigating fights — or maybe he’s secretly hoping for a split? Or is he jealous because he has to share his friend with another man? Maybe he’s just a sinister man who finds gaiety among strife.
Who knows? But if he can’t be stopped, and she doesn’t want to remove this selfish guppy from her school of friends, then she’s the one stuck with having to constantly over-explain and defend this friend to her deer-in-headlights boyfriend.
I’ll cap this column with a Fantz PSA: All ye who drug unwilling victims shall be cursed with a forever boner and locked in solitary confinement. You shall urinate all over your face every time you go potty forevermore.
And maybe change your notification settings.