This hooded sweatshirt really feels weird against my skin. I should have worn a T-shirt under it. Will my hair stay back if I pull the hood over? I should really get a haircut.

I forgot to wear my glasses. I wonder if my eyes are going to get worse. You don’t really need them to walk on a treadmill. It’s fine.

Try not to hit your head on that storm drain again. That was embarrassing. Dude, no one saw that. But yeah, you should really watch your head.

Oh my god, there are other people in here. Like a lot. Don’t worry about it; they aren’t looking at you. Just don’t pay any attention. There’s still an open treadmill. OK, it’s fine. But it’s not the one I usually use. That’s fine. Just use that one. I could come back later. No, don’t come back later.

Hey! They have TV on this treadmill! It’s infomercials. Press start, hook that heart-attack clip on your hoodie so the treadmill doesn’t rub your face off when you fall.

I wonder who watches these infomercials, let alone buys anything off of them. I would never wear anything like that watch. Who even wears watches anymore? That’s what cellphones are for. I always get fidgety when I have stuff on my wrist or hands. Hopefully, my girlfriend doesn’t insist on a ring when we get married. That would suck. I wonder if I could just get her name tattooed on my chest, something like “Susan 4 Eva!”

Wow, I wonder how long this guy next to me has been on the treadmill. I’ll have to do it as long as he does. I don’t want to look stupid. Dude, no one is looking at you. Seriously, I can’t do this right now. Do what? This endless, neurotic inner dialogue thing. Just exercise and shut up.

The TV news is coming on. I thought it would be soap operas. It’s a little disappointing. There’s no sound on. It’s weird watching the news with no sound. It’s like reading a newspaper in the dark. Wow, they misspelled parade. Look, they did it again. What the hell is a Marade? Oh, I wonder if that’s a Martin Luther King Day thing. I bet it is. It probably is.

Damn, when’s this guy next to me going to get off the treadmill? In fact, no one has quit since I got in here. I don’t want to look dumb. Shut up, John.

I wish they’d open the pool. That would be wild if some dude was just face down in there. I’d totally save him. Maybe he’d be drunk and take a swing at me. I’d get a free ass-kicking card. The cops probably wouldn’t believe me though. I’d go to jail.

Damn, I wish this guy would quit so I can. I’m about to faint. Come on, man.

Come on. Dude, please just go.

I just remembered: I have taco stuff in the fridge.

Damn it. I just wrote another exercise column.

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