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In the beginning, God (who is a chick, by the way, and totally got screwed over, but more on that later) created the heavens and the earth.

And the earth was without form and void, and there were no sandwiches. And darkness was upon the face of the deep, where there were no condiments. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters parched, for there were also no beverages.

And God said, “Let there be light and sandwiches.” And there was light. And sandwiches and mustard. And God created the French so there would also be mayo.

And God saw the light and … we get it, there was light and darkness and yada yada. We want to hear about the sandwiches.

“Behold, I have given you every plant yielding seed that is on the face of all the earth, and every tree with seed in its fruit. You shall have them for garnish.”


Thou shalt not call a burrito a wrap, for a wrap is a burrito. A torta, however, is definitely different from a sandwich but also delicious. Let thyself enjoy both in equal standing.

And unleavened bread, unleavened cakes mixed with oil and unleavened wafers smeared with oil. You shall make them of fine wheat flour. And they shall be called tortillas, and from them, ye shall form tacos for tacos are also kind of a sandwich. And lo, so is the quesadilla.


For I was hungered, and ye gave me a sandwich; I was thirsty, and ye provided iced tea; I was a stranger, and ye took me in and even had that fancy mustard and totally weren’t a jerk about me having some.

Verily, I say unto you, “Inasmuch as ye have given a sandwich unto the least of these my brethren, ye have also given a sandwich to me.”

Another parable put he forth unto them, saying, “The kingdom of heaven is like to a grain of mustard seed, which a man took and sowed in his field and ground into a fine powder or more coarsely and unto which made many fine condiments.”


And he shall judge among the nations, and shall rebuke many people; and they shall beat their swords into planchas and their spears into griddles; nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall they learn war any more, only how to properly grill a Cubano or prepare the perfect Reuben.


This is the bread that comes down from heaven, so that one may eat of it and not die. And it can be multigrain or not and it can also be marbled or covered in sesame seeds.

But if anyone has the world’s goods and sees his brother in need of a sandwich, yet closes his heart against him, how does God’s love abide in him? Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth and in free sandwiches.


He that deny the poor a sandwich reproacheth his Maker, but he that honoureth him hath mercy on the poor and feedeth them free sandwiches and chips.

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