Bear

ROCKMONT— Cave police are searching for a caveman they say has lit a string of fires across the city, including one that damaged numerous paintings at the Cave Art Museum of Rockmont.

“This is really disappointing,” said Cave Police Chief Ork in a news conference. “We as a human race literally discovered fire last week. It seems like it will have a lot of applications as we move forward. I mean, we were in the dark and now there’s light. At night! Of course someone had to go and start lighting fires.”

Asked if police have a suspect, Ork declined to comment but then added “Carl.”

“We all know it was Carl,” Ork said. “It’s always Carl.”

Carl was arrested two moons ago on obscenity charges after he began to draw pornographic cave drawings a mere 15 minutes after cave artist Rok invented the concept of art. When reporter Bear called Carl to ask for comment on his prurient new skill, the Neanderthal invented the concept of attacking the cave media.

“Why you only write about bad things,” Carl said at the time. “Why you no write about positive stories? Somebody should sue you. Ha ha. You suck.”

Carl could not be reached for comment Wednesday, but police say he is so far suspected of lighting 17 fires at numerous locations, including five saber-toothed tiger lairs, a bag of wooly mammoth droppings in a sack left on Chief Ork’s front porch and a series of hunting paintings by Rok currently on display at the Rockmont Cave Art Museum.

“This is simply outrageous,” Rok said. “I invented art several moons ago as a way to make a statement on male cave man hegemonic tyranny in the age of hunting and gathering, and then Carl comes along and sets it on fire.”

Rok, who goes by one name only (in spite of everyone only having one name, anyway) said he plans on going to graduate school to study artisan bead making and isn’t sure when, if ever, he will take up cave painting again.

“I’m very upset right now,” he said. “I can barely walk upright. Rok mad! Rok smash!”

Fire, being hailed as a landmark innovation for humans, comes from the angry yellow ball that lives in the sky and dies every night but comes back to life in the morning, according to Dr. Arf of the Grunt Institute.

Arf was part of the team that discovered fire last week at the Sandia Man Labs. He said it’s not totally clear how the fire got loose from the angry yellow ball or whether the angry yellow ball will come seeking vengeance.

He added that the newly discovered substance has applications in warming and illuminating caves, food preparation and curing small children of evil spirit possession. It also has a nice, earthy aroma, he said.

“Of course, Carl showed us all that it’s also good for setting dumpsters on fire,” Arf said. “And the poop on the chief’s porch is just childish, really. What’s the matter with this guy?”

Read more Bear: coloradodaily.com/columnists. Stalk him: twitter.com/johnbearwithme

blog comments powered by Disqus