The Yeti, a mythical creature native to the Himalayas, is no longer mythical having been discovered by an Indian army patrol in Kashmir on Tuesday. The 1,500-pound “abominable snow man” of lore sat down with reporter John Bear at a Starbucks somewhere near Denver to talk about politics, mountain climbing and coffee.
John: Hi. How are you today, Mr. Yeti?
Yeti: Call me Brodi. I’m great, although I do need to clear up a common misconception about myself.
John: What’s that?
Yeti: I’m not actually a Yeti.
John: Really?
Yeti: Afraid so. I’m an Asian brown bear, and it’s the damndest thing. I got confectioners sugar in my fur one day, and my friend, you just cannot get that out once you get it on.
John: That’s fascinating
(The Yeti’s lips curled upward into an expression that could only be snarky. I knew he was having a laugh about my last name.)
Yeti: Ha, I’m just messing with you, bro. I thought your last name was really funny when I saw it on the email.
John: Oh, yeah. I get that a lot.
Yeti: But yes, I am a Yeti. Guilty as charged.
John: So I’m under the impression that you are moving to Colorado.
Yeti: Yeah, I’m a little over the Indian subcontinent. All you can find is Indian food.
(Man, this Yeti is corny.)
John: So why Colorado?
Yeti: The truth is I have a cousin who’s a Sasquatch. He lives on Longs Peak and makes craft beer.
John: So Yeti and Sasquatch are related?
Yeti: Uh duh. A little research, John.
John: I had heard that before, but of course we all thought you guys didn’t exist before this week.
Yeti: I’m just giving you a hard time, bro.
John: Got you.
Yeti: I have to say, my cousin, he’s a nice guy, but he’s a real d-bag about being a “Colorado Native.” Like we get it, man. Your family never went anywhere in this big open country. You must be so proud
John: I see.
Yeti: Man, I’m so high right now.
John: So what are your plans while you are here in Colorado?
Yeti: I don’t know, man. Probably take in a Broncos game. I’m a Pats guy myself, but when in Rome I guess.
John: Are you at all concerned about being outed as a real creature?
Yeti: Not really. Truth be told, with climate change, it was going to be too warm in the Himalayas in 10 years or so. I’ve got super awesome AC at my condo.
John: That’s interesting. What about —
(He spit out his drink on a pair of women having a business meeting at the next table.)
Yeti: Man, this chai latte is awful. Try it.
John: I don’t like chai.
Yeti: What’s wrong with you?
John: I’ve just never been into those unmasculine Starbucks drinks like frappes and chai and all that.
Yeti: Ha, that’s rich coming from someone drinking a cafe au lait. That’s got to be the sissiest drink on earth.
John: It’s coffee and milk! Why is everyone always giving me shit about this! Jesus!

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