I was a 20-year-old virgin. I’m not a virgin anymore, but I wish I had the 20-year-old body, lack of injuries and fearlessness again. Learning from my relationship mistakes made me a tiny bit smarter.


I’m still no expert on women, but I have hard truths I can share with the young fellas. Nobody expects you to know everything when you start dating. Just like with everything, you’re going to make a lot of mistakes in the beginning. Hopefully, the mistakes you make will be the innocent, goofy kind that make your friends laugh, like how you thought some bras needed keys.

However, some mistakes are not funny. Here are lessons all straight men should know:

• This may sound like a no-brainer, but if you worked up the courage to ask a girl out, make sure you actually show up. Ghosting is a surefire way to guarantee you’ll never see her again.

• Use the two-time contact rule: After getting a girl’s info, I’ll call, text or email. If she doesn’t reply, I’ll wait a day or so and then try again. If she still doesn’t respond, it’s a bust. It’s 2019. If she wants to get back to me, she can. If she doesn’t want to talk to me, that’s her problem.

• Here’s a big, BIG rule (but morons of all ages disobey it): If she doesn’t return your call or text, don’t flip out on her. Don’t stalk her. Don’t hurl insults. Don’t follow her around just so you can yell at her or make a scene. Maybe you’re an asshole and this Smart Sally predicted your terribleness from a mile away. Write in your diary or blog about how her rejection made you feel sad. That’s how I filled dozen of notebooks without ruining relationships with ladies who wanted to be friends but not my girlfriend.

• Use your phone as a phone. I know, it’s weird. Right? You can talk into that thing you carry everywhere! Surprisingly, some girls enjoy speaking out loud, revel in your audible voice, and like to learn if you ad-lib jokes or pay attention during conversations. Most importantly, you’ll stand out because allegedly most dudes don’t call anymore.

• Here’s my biggest lesson to my younger dating self: If you’re wondering if you should go talk to that cutie standing over there, yes! Do it! Go ahead. Stutter. Say something dorky. Tell the dumbest joke ever. Magic might occur and that girl could come talk to you first (but don’t count on it). Don’t wait to see if she looks your way, winks at you, or whatever qualifier you’re thinking of. Just go over there.

• If she talks to you but changes her mind and realizes she doesn’t like you, that’s the end of it.
Make good decisions with your thinking organ, not just your bonking organ.

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