Todd grimaced and clutched his midsection as he and Sally, his girlfriend of five years, perused the ramen noodle aisle at a Wal-Mart Super Center on a Sunday afternoon. The selection of noodles in Styrofoam containers of various sizes and shapes could only be described as “expansive.”
“Ugh,” Todd whined, expecting a sympathetic inquiry from Sally.
They danced this number once every three months, ever since a burst of gamma radiation struck the Earth three years prior and gave men the ability to become pregnant through contact sports and guys night out. In the six months that followed, unplanned pregnancies increased 9,436 percent. Shortly after, Congress passed the 28th Amendment, which guaranteed men abortions on demand and 12 weeks of paid abortion leave a year.
When Sally didn’t say anything for five seconds, Todd groaned again, although this time a little more lugubriously.
“Ugh.” He really drew out the vowel.
“Yes, dear,” Sally finally said while reading the ingredients on a package of chili shrimp sriracha ramen noodles.
“I don’t feel well.”
“Sorry to hear that. What is wrong?”
Sally picked up a package of four-cheese ramen and put it in the shopping cart. To match Todd’s histrionics, Sally looked at Todd, cocked her head slowly to the right and pushed her bottom lip forward faux display of sympathy.
“I’m pregnant,” Todd finally offered.
“How is that?”
“You always get grumpy when you are pregnant.”
“Go get an abortion.”
“We’re already at Wal-Mart. They have an abortion clinic at the McDonald’s.”
“I don’t like getting abortions at Wal-Mart.”
“Why not? They are completely safe and affordable, just like the 28th Amendment prescribes. Lindsey Graham had one on Instagram last week.”
“I’m just not in the mood for McDonald’s. The last time I got a McDouble, it was super dry. It was like a salty hockey puck. I’d rather have an abortion at Taco Bell. They have those new Chipotle Cheesy Gordita Crunch Wraps I want to try.”
“Well, I guess you can go to Taco Bell later today.”
“You sound like you don’t care.”
“You go out with your work buddies and get drunk and get pregnant every six weeks, Todd. I don’t want to go to Taco Bell. I’m tired. I worked all week. I want to get my cheesy ramen and go back to our apartment that I pay the rent on. Go get some Axe Abortion Spray.”
“Fine. I’ll go to Taco Bell later today. It sucks. I’m going to have to take paid abortion leave again.”
Todd picked up a shrimp cocktail-flavored package and put in the cart.
“It’s crazy what happened in Alabama,” Todd said.
“Yep, terrible. All those people, vaporized by nuclear weapons.”
“Well, that’s what they get for passing a bill restricting men’s access to abortions to banking hours.”
“I’ve decided to be an adult and just go get my abortion at the McDonald’s.”
“Good for you,” Sally said, giving Todd a thumbs up.
“Yeah,” Todd said, gazing off toward the deli aisle. “Good for me.”