In Korea, I wrote a book about English used in the workplace, but “buy low and sell high” is pretty much all I know about investments and business stuff. The book was about going on job interviews, shaking hands and how to tell your boss a coworker is annoying. Today’s column is about how finances just don’t compute with me. My brain understands interest rates about as well as my legs understand dunking a basketball, my fingers playing the piano or eyes telling the difference between Trevor Noah and an unfunny turd in a nice suit.


The story of me not knowing a good thing when I see it doesn’t start with me not liking the new “Daily Show” cast. Let’s rewind a couple decades.

Every summer, my immediate family would travel to Washington state to visit my mom’s side of the family. I saw all these cafés spread around selling coffee and thought, “That’s stupid. Can’t people just make their own coffee at home for a mere fraction?” Yeah, that was Starbucks. So I’ve always been bad at spotting trends.

I also thought getting sandwiches at Subway was stupid. I mean, they were absolutely delicious, but how hard is it to make a sandwich? Pretty soon, yellow awnings started popping up all over my tiny city. Young me also believed bottled water, cellphones, texting, microbrews and bacon-wrapped everything was stupid. I mean, you can get water everywhere. And why get a cell phone when nobody has one. Who are you going to call with it? I also figured people who drink beer want to drink beer, not some black raspberry-flavored sparkling bread-water. I eat bacon, but I also like not being fat or having heart attacks.

What are some things I think are cool that I can’t believe haven’t caught on? Korea and Japan have these things called cat cafés and dog cafés. They’re not for eating cats or dogs, but for people who don’t have the space, time or desire to take care of little Felix, Garfield, Fido or Rex. So instead, regular folks go to a coffee shop with a host of different breeds of kitties and puppies. There are also sheep, goat and penguin cafés. It’s genius! You can play with a dog but not clean up poop or deal with hair on your clothes or have to care for it.

Right now, I think wearing headphones while driving, vaping marijuana and living in tiny houses are stupid — so if the past serves as a precursor, maybe invest in however you can make money in those things.
Tell them I sent you. And if you’d like to send a little of that money my way …

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