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Somebody sent me forwarded emails multiple times a day.

Freeman

“Obama is an Islam terrorist hellbent on destroying American values by mocking Christmas traditions. All liberal college kids are whiny snowflake interpretative dance majors demanding equal pay as hardworking Chevrolet CEOs. If women were actually being sexually harassed, they’d say something right away instead of waiting years. Every European is a commie who doesn’t know the meaning of freedom. The American military is the greatest thing in the history of the entire world. Global warming is a hoax meant to hurt America. Confederates are (and were) hard-working Americans, too. Native Americans sold slaves, so it’s OK to ignore them.”

Reading these messages drove me into a fury. I took it upon myself to clear things up. Hours flew by as I’d reply and explain all the logical fallacies in these idiotic mass emails.

My fingers flew on the keyboard: “Islam is the name of the religion and Muslim is the practitioner of that religion. Confederates separated from the United States and killed American soldiers; are we really going to care about their flag?” After all that, I’d point out that poverty on a reservation is worse than just about anywhere.

But what the hell do I know? I’m an overeducated, elitist newspaper journalist who couldn’t understand a proud American fact if it bit me on my Brazilian-waxed candy ass. America-Haters (like me) wish black people, gays and women would take all the good jobs from hard-working folks who patriotically learned everything with a smile.

Politifact, the New York Times, Google, the Weather Channel, Facebook, YouTube, Wikipedia and National Geographic are all just liberal organizations doing their best to doom the United States. Even history books lie — because you know who writes books? Liberals. Who teaches in schools? Obviously more libs. Aka America-Haters.

Then the mass emailers would get on my case because I only deconstructed conservative arguments. I mentioned, “You only send conservative emails. Send a liberal one and I’ll analyze that.” Of course, that only proved I’m lazy.

I wasn’t saying these individuals were wrong or stupid. I was just pointing out that their arguments and attempts at being factual were wrong and stupid. I wasn’t trying to prove that I was better, only that facts don’t always lie, but cherry-picked results can (and do).

These guys needed to know that just because something fits your argument, that doesn’t make it true.
I still get these idiotic emails. But now I don’t always read them and I never reply. Yeah, I gave up. Typical whiny snowflake. What good could I do? Could I really convince somebody that McDonald’s isn’t the greatest restaurant in the world, only the biggest?


Read more Freeman: coloradodaily.com/columns. Stalk him: comfyconfines.wordpress.com

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