After trick-or-treating one Halloween, a very young Casey sat in front of the TV to organize his candy and watch a horror movie. My mom never allowed that, but since this movie was black-and-white and from the 1960s, it couldn’t have been that scary.
As I gave myself diabetes, tooth decay and sugar poisoning from binge eating “Snack Size” candy, I watched the undead eat people in “Night of the Living Dead.”
The movie scared the crap out of me. When I eventually fell asleep that night and ever since, zombies chase me in nightmares.
When I saw “28 Days Later,” I nearly broke the poor girl’s hand who watched the movie with me because the only thing scarier for me than bumbling, idiot, lollygagging zombies is running zombies.
Werewolves, creatures from the Black Lagoon, Godzilla and vampires don’t scare me (that much). What’s the worst that could happen? Once a month, I get really hairy and eat a few farm animals. I could terrorize some fisherman. Godzilla does whatever and even gets a cute sidekick. Being a vampire would just be super-cool all around! I volunteer to be a bloodsucking vampire right now. I could dress in sick leather jackets like Kiefer Sutherland in “The Lost Boys,” fashionably wear a cape, sleep all day or sparkle in the sunshine — depending on the lore you believe in.
But being a brain-dead zombie would be terrible. That would be the worst existence of monster. You’re constantly hungry, standing, ugly, boring and missing one or more of your senses, depending on the universe. You probably also smell really bad.
I’m not the only one scared snotless by zombies. These brain-eaters even infected TV shows like “Game of Thrones,” “The Walking Dead” and “The Big Bang Theory.” Well, the last show was mostly watched by zombies, not about zombies.
As therapy, I’ve faced my fears and acted in three different zombie movies.
“The Night of the Jeds” was about really stupid Neanderthal zombies who appear in a basement and then can’t figure out how to use stairs. This masterpiece by my friends and me was never really finished because we were 12 years old when we made it and probably got distracted with “Super Mario Bros. 3.”
“How to Kill a Zombie” was a student project instructing people in the 1950s how to kill zombies. It was pretty funny, and I died about a dozen different ways.
“Zombie Blood Chaos” is my absolute favorite and takes place here in Boulder. Lockheed Martin’s nuclear waste causes everybody around CU to turn into a zombie. A ninja kicks me so hard, my head explodes.
The undead still scare me whether they run or shamble, are in color or black and white, appear on movies or television, or even when they look like me and my drunk friends.
So in conclusion, destroy the head completely, black-and-white movies are just as scary as color and monitor your children’s high-fructose corn syrup intake.