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I soaked my sleeves from crying-laughing after watching the preview for “Good Boys.” I can already tell this foul-mouthed flick is going to be hilarious.

Freeman

The movie is about three nerdy kids who talk and act just like I did when I was a sixth-grade dork. The boys find a tampon, which girls “stick in their butts so babies don’t come out.” That’s pretty close to my understanding of women when I was 12.

The cartoon show “Big Mouth” also brings up funny scenarios about learning about the coolest, scariest, dirtiest, most fun, biggest lie-inducing and most worrisome activity out there: sex. I’m also reading “Bonk” by Mary Roach. It’s a book about the science and scientists behind sex research. Roach is so funny and interesting , she could write anything and I’d spend all day reading whatever she typed.

Instead of talking about hilarious movies, TV shows and books, I thought I’d write about some of the amazingly stupid things I believed about intercourse as a kid. Granted, you could probably talk to my ex-girlfriends and learn that I know even less than I think I know.

I grew up in a conservative family with two brothers. I believed that only married people were only allowed to have sex and that my parents had sex only three times. Honestly, I kind of want to keep that stupid idea. Let’s just go to the next idiotic old belief.

When “things” started happening to my body at night, I thought every wet dream meant I was peeing my pants. Being a teenage boy means dealing with a lot of “No-Reason Boners” (which is also the name of my punk band). I’d get erection in the middle of class, at night or for no reason. I thought that made me weird.

At my middle school, there was an especially odd kid who wore the same pair of sweatpants to school every day. We sat near each other in study hall, which was held in our school’s cafeteria. Every day, Odd Kid stuck his hands down his pants and I’d watch his fist hit the underside of the table until he’d jitter like I would when I thought I’d strangely peed my pants at night. I had no idea what he was doing until years later. I still don’t know what the hell I’d do if I was the teacher in that class.

Because of that kid, I thought masturbation made you a psychopath.

Somebody told me girls stuck tuna up their girl parts, and I believed them. Maybe that’s my excuse for being afraid of women for so long.

More dumb ideas? Ugly girls can’t get raped because only good looking people have sex. Girls don’t like sex or masturbate. I also didn’t think girls could be gay.

I just confessed my old secrets. What are yours? I also heard that people who don’t talk about sex suck at it …


Read more Freeman: coloradodaily.com/columns. Stalk him: comfyconfines.wordpress.com

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