A few weeks ago, I wrote about the much-needed cancellation of several holidays, including Valentines Day, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. Not only are those “holidays” designed to make the loveless and childless feel bad; they encourage mindless consumption, of which the United States already has plenty.


I also asked that the Fourth of July be cancelled for the year because of, you know, the kid concentration camps. I was disappointed and infuriated that the holiday still went off without a hitch. Perhaps the powers that be didn’t read the column. In any case, I’d like to thank the neighbors if they are reading for quitting the heavy artillery fireworks at a very reasonable 2 a.m.

As I scoured what remains of my brain for a column this week, it occurred to me that two more holidays can get the ax — Cinco de Mayo and St. Patrick’s Day. Both are little more than excuses for Americans to dress up as offensive caricatures of other cultures and get shitfaced on weekdays.

My girlfriend and I attended a Cinco de Mayo celebration in Longmont last year, and it was great. I had lengua tacos (or was it a torta?), and she had some of that weird roasted street corn, which was super tasty. There was a car show and music and a diverse crowd. It was a respectful and fun-filled celebration of Mexican culture.

It occurred to us later on that the organizers were forced to hold a Cinco de Mayo celebration because they are taking it back from the legion of dumbass white folks who have hijacked a minor holiday. Really, it’s a nonholiday, like Flag Day.

Although I appreciated the tacos and afternoon at the park, I say shit can Cinco de Mayo. It’s the only way to rid the world of girls named McKenzie wearing sombreros and painting on horseshoe mustaches once a year. To truly honor our Mexican neighbors, we can celebrate Mexican Independence Day in September. That will really set off the racists.

St. Patrick’s Day should also be cancelled — for two reasons. One, it is an offensive display of public intoxication that insinuates the Irish are a bunch of drunken reprobates. Two, I quit drinking in 2004 and can’t participate.

Side note: I just read an Irish novel about a pregnant 20-something Dubliner who gets smashed on four or five vodka tonics a good half dozen times throughout the story. And it’s not a tragedy. I’ve never been so disturbed by a comic novel.

Anyway, down with Cinco de Mayo and St. Patrick’s Day. This is America. We need holidays that celebrate our unique culture. Allow me to propose Marvel Comics Day. Now I’m totally lost on all this comic book stuff, but people seem to love it. Personally, I wonder why all those movies are three hours long.

But they are everywhere. Face it. American culture is pretty shallow. So let’s pick a day — May 5 and March 17 will be open when I’m president — put on our favorite Iron Man costumes and get totally wrecked.

Do it for America.

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