Fantz in Your Pants: Vintage condoms and iPorn

The Silver Foxes need some advice on a really, really old condom



Is a 1958 rubber still a viable product to use?

— The Silver Foxes

My Fox Friends:

Let me give you some background on how my dear Silver Fox, The Judge, came upon his antiquated rubber. While beboppin’ and hoppin’ to jukebox Elvis at the malt shop in the late ’50s, he exclaimed, “By golly, I feel like buying a rubber!”


He raced to the filling station, where dudes in wool tweed suits smoked Luckys while filling up their Impala tanks at 30 cents a gallon.

“Daddy-O! Looks like you’re fixin’ to get some back-seat bingo,” the gas station attendant said.

“Oh, you greaser, you’re cruisin’ for a bruisin,’” The Judge said, joshing around. “Don’t flip your wig!”

“Peachy keen! Burn rubber! Razz those berries!” And other shit they said back then.

Instead of putting the condom to immediate use, The Judge packed it away for a special occasion. There in his drawer sat the vintage condom for more than 60 years. Until this summer, when he decided to let it burn rubber on someone else’s crotch.

King Silver Fox (the one who keeps me apprised of the lives of my favorite Boulder boys, the Silver Foxes) told me that Insurance Fox retired after 40-plus years in the biz. The Foxes gifted him a suitcase stocked with random travel necessities, including this diamond-in-the-rough Trojan condom from 1958.

Should he use it while he’s on a California vacation? The Foxes asked.

Most condoms have a shelf-life of five years from the time they were manufactured. Otherwise, the chance of them breaking during sex increases. So no. Abort mission.

But forget about the expiration date. Back then, weren’t condoms made out of hot sauce, asbestos and plutonium? I’d be more concerned about rolling a burning pile of vintage rubber onto my plonker. If you need a couple bucks for a fresh condom, I’m here for you, buddy. Otherwise, only use the aged latex to apply Just For Men on gray spots — or as a water balloon for your grandchildren.

But if you already did use the love glove, we can be sure there’s no working swimmers breaststroking around in your nutsack. At most, you’ll get a case of the crotch critters. I’d frame it for my dinning room or take it on “Antiques Roadshow.”

As for news of The Judge, King Fox told me that the 80-something-year-old blue hair recently graduated from a typewriter to an iPad, complete with email.

“Slow down, though….we haven’t gone to the internet yet, let alone any of the good stuff,” King Fox wrote me in an email. “You know what I am talking about.”

Amazon Prime Days? Slime tutorials? Kylie Jenner challenge?

Oh! Boobs. Butts. Private parts. Porn. Right.

Congrats on the iPad, Judge Fox. When you make the foray into the deep web of triple-X, I trust you’ll snort some lines of Warfarin off your wife’s tits to lessen the risk of heart failure should you happen upon some super weird niche porn.

Silver Foxes, congratulate your friend with a bedazzled gift bag full of lube, boner pills and a fleshlight.


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