SOMEWHERE IN AMERICA — Collin Collins remembers how angry he was only six months ago.
“I was watching a lot of Fox News, I mean like a lot a lot of Fox News,” the 34-year-old said during a sit-down interview during which he discussed his life following surgical penis enlargement surgery he underwent in February.
“I was just a ball of simmering rage and about the dumbest things,” he said. “I was mad about Muslims, Mexicans, socialism. I don’t even know what socialism is, really.”
Collins, a software engineer, was also a gun collector and staunch Second Amendment supporter and at one point admits that he bought into conspiracy theories that mass shootings are staged government plots to take away guns from the citizenry.
“I’m particularly ashamed of that one,” he said, fighting back tears.
Late last year, Collins, at the urging of his wife, Tanya, entered into the AR-15s for a Solid Eight and a Half, a program funded by the Department of Justice that offers free penis enhancement operations for any man willing to turn in his assault weapons.
According to a secret Centers for Disease Control study, the average erect penis length of an American man is inversely proportional to the size of the magazine on his semi-automatic rifle.
“Our study showed that men with smaller-than-average penis size frequently become full of self-loathing and feelings of anger and resentment,” said Harvard University Professor Sally Sadlowski.
“Those feelings of inadequacy can lead to gun ownership among men, particularly the kinds of military-style weapons we are seeing in these terrible mass shooting tragedies,” Sadlowski said.
She added that an automatic rifle in the hands of an insecure man “isn’t good for anyone.”
The AR-15s for a Solid Eight and a Half program mirrors the AR-15s for 15-Year-Old Cats program, an initiative that sought to take guns out of the hands of angry men and replace them with elderly cats. It has been touted as a success by the CDC.
“We were seeing men who were yelling about ‘welfare queens’ one minute and sobbing like happy little children the next,” said CDC researcher Doug Turgidson. “We are hoping that outfitting men with oversize penises will combat the level of anger and resentment we are seeing among white men in contemporary America.”
Collins said he has not been missing his arsenal of deadly weaponry and has felt more at peace with the universe since his surgery. He added that his wife will no longer sleep with him, but the two have bonded over shared readings of “The Bridges of Madison County.” He has also joined a “gun club” with other men who’ve undergone the operation. They meet every Sunday at a shuttered shooting range to compare gear and drink herbal tea.
“You know, I was sitting on the couch the other night,” he said. “I slipped my hand casually down the front of my shorts, and for the first time in my life, I was able to say ‘Nice.’ It’s a hell of a feeling.”