Spending time at the gym has always been one of my things. After hours of dealing with my job, I need to decompress a bit and hit the weights, cardio machines or heavy bags at the gym.
I don’t want to act, look or seem like a stereotypical douche who spends his afternoons pumping iron, but after spending six years in Korea and then returning to the United States, I’m confused as to why such a large population of young and old, male and female gym goers are total assholes.
So, why do you …
Why do you grunt really loudly when you’re doing just about everything?
• You’re a total badass and think everybody in the gym should look at badasses like you.
• You haven’t evolved the ability to do things quietly.
• Jerking off just doesn’t give you the same pleasure it used to, so you need to groan and moan in public in order to get off.
Why do you slam the weights and drop the dumbbells when there are signs everywhere asking you not to?
• You’re an inconsiderate dipshit.
• Nobody ever paid attention to you in life, so you’re trying to make up for that.
• You need to shock people into looking at you so they can see the biggest loser in the gym.
Why don’t you wipe down the machines after your sweaty ass soaked them?
• Your sweat cures minor wounds.
• You smell fabulous.
• You’ve never needed to be responsible for anything before.
Why don’t you put the weights away after using them?
• You’re royalty.
• Your time is too important to waste on courtesy.
• You only pretend to lift those weights, but can’t put them away.
Why do you flex in front of the mirror?
• You’re really hot.
• Everybody should be impressed by your coolness.
• Your beard, tattoos and/or T-shirt are all so rad that the whole gym needs to see them.
Why don’t you wash your hands after using the bathroom?
• You come from an alternate reality where eating poop is the fashion.
• You like spreading disease.
• You’re not used to indoor plumbing.
Why do you pick your nose?
• You’re a cute man-boy like Tom Hanks from “Big.”
• Boogers are considered highly edible in your part of the zoo.
• You’re looking for the ON switch of your brain.
Why are you creepily staring at people?
• You secretly hate everyone.
• You’re jealous.
• You’re just creepy.
Why the hell are you listening to your music without headphones?
• You forgot your headphones as well as your common decency.
• You’re a total fucking asshole.
• The world is secretly hoping somebody will kick you in the nuts so you’ll never breed.
Why did you read all of this column?
• You were wondering if it would get funny.
• You’re on the toilet and bored.
• You’re a fan.