Firearms. They are as big a part of being an American as adult-onset diabetes.

I have a strict no-gun policy. I’m often sad and I get mad at bad television shows. The safety of my personal electronics depends on me being totally unarmed and defenseless.


But I understand the desire to own firearms. I suppose they are fun. I don’t buy the “I need my gun to protect myself” argument. How many enemies do you have, really? Buy a baseball bat and dip it in glue and bits of glass.

But the nonsense rationalization aside, this is America, and we have to have our guns. Even if owning them makes you a bit of a selfish prick given the terrible problem with gun violence we have in this country. But being a selfish prick is as big a part of being an American as chronic heart disease.

I believe in your constitutionally protected right to a firearm. I just think you should have to feel kind of weird about buying one.

Solution: All firearms should legally have to be sold inside seedy pornography stores in bad parts of town.
Imagine you are are going to buy a nice AR-15 with a flash suppressor and a high-capacity magazine, whatever it is you need to get off. In order to do so, however, you have to drive to a building with the parking lot in the back behind a 9-foot-tall privacy fence.

Once inside, you can peruse the racks of assault rifles, shotguns, pistols and inflatable Justin Bieber dolls to your heart’s content. And you have to do it while a guy named Ray who wears a Members Only jacket watches you from the next aisle.

“Hey, I see you like AR-15s,” Ray says in a low, halting manner. “Do you want to come back to my place and watch some videos?”

Now, Ray might be talking about a VHS collection of “Masterpiece Theater” he inherited from his grandmother, but he’s likely talking about videos that are far creepier and probably German.

Sure, Ray is creepy. The average person will politely decline, perhaps because he is more concerned about how sticky the AR-15 is that he just picked up. Yes, in this hypothetical scenario, federal gun laws dictate that all assault weapons be sticky to the touch.

It’s important for Ray to be here at the store. Your average mass shooter doesn’t have any friends. Imagine a would-be mass shooter walks into a pornography/gun store to buy the AR-15 he plans on using to go hurt dozens of innocent people.

Up walks Ray.

“Hey, have you ever watched pornographic movies featuring mimes and indifferent French women? Because I’ve got some back at my apartment.”

A tear forms in the would-be mass shooter’s eye.

“Why, that sounds lovely.”

The word “hero” gets tossed around a lot, but Ray, as weird as he is, is a goddamn hero.

Read more Bear: Stalk him:

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